“Hey, Seth?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you regret it?”
“Yeah.”

---

Waves crashing on the sun-heated sand. The beach. Midsummer. Salty air, just the way she remembers it, the way she’s craved it.

Pacific Coast Highway. Searching out pennies for mediocre food. The slow crawl home in a little red Toyota.

Four friends.

Really, just friends.

---

“You look uncomfortable.”
“I’m not.”
“You’re lying.”
“No, really. I’m totally and completely fine.”
“Your best friend and my best friend are making out in public two feet from us. You’re nowhere near fine.”
“It’s just…weird, okay?”
“Block it out.”
“Kind of hard.”
“I can do it.”
“You’re not facing them.”
“So look at the wall instead.”
“The wall is boring, Ivy.”
“Then look at me.”
“I’m trying.”
“No, you’re not. Eye contact, Seth. Block them out. Listen to my voice.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“…Okay.”

---

Three perfect weeks of midsummer bliss. She can still taste the sweetness of oblivion, feel the warm wind in her hair from that night.

It was exactly what she wanted, two years too late.

Upon reflection (and isn’t that what this is all about), she probably should’ve seen it coming.

---

“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course. Have I ever been one to say no to inquiry?”
“This one’s a little different, Ivy.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“Do you want to maybe go out sometime? Like, a movie or something?”

---

Two months of silence.

Understandable, maybe. But she doesn’t want to understand.

Two months of hesitation.

Reasonable, maybe. But she’s never been reasonable.

Two months of doubt.

Unsettling, maybe. But she’s good at it.

---

"Hey, we haven’t talked in a while.”
“Yeah, I know. Been busy.”
“Well get un-busy, Seth. Life is boring without your conversation.”
“I’ll work on it.”
“You should.”
“Okay.”
“…Okay.”

---

They dance around the subject, bury it in casualties. She’s never been good at hiding things, but she’s learning quickly. He’s a good teacher, even though he probably doesn’t realize it.

She doesn’t like the pauses when they talk. She doesn’t like how he always looks ready to bolt when she’s around.

She doesn’t like any of this.

And life goes on.

---

“You’re oversimplifying.”
“And you’re being emo.”
“I’m not being emo, it’s just the truth.”
“Seth.”
“What.”
“Seth.”
“What. I’m just saying what’s on my mind. You should do the same.”
“Fine. I regret it.”
“You regret what?”
“Turning you down, okay? I regret turning you down. Are you happy now that I’ve effectually invalidated your argument?”
“…Maybe we should talk about this.”

---

And for a moment, it works. Fall turns to winter, and everything just works.

They’re not exactly normal, but neither was how they got there.

We’ll figure it out. It’s like their motto. And when they smile at each other, when they talk, for the first time in a long time it’s real.

Everything works.

For a moment.

---

“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’m only dying.”
“You’re not exactly filling me with confidence here.”
“I’ll be fine, Ivy.”
“Can you make it home?”
“It’s just a headache, nothing major. I can still drive. I’m just sorry I was such a buzzkill tonight.”
“It’s fine, don’t worry. Just…be safe.”
“Sleep well, Ivy.”

---

A typical Saturday night. A typical movie.

She can see the weariness in his eyes as he smiles. As he speaks.

He keeps his distance. She complies, smiling back when it feels as though she should. They’re playing roles. No emotion. She knows this, even if it's never spoken. There are just some things she can feel.

No contact. Even when she reaches for his hand. Even when they kiss goodnight.

No contact.

Not really.

She knows this.

And it’s killing her.

---

“Hey Ivy?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you regret it?”
“Not at all.”

---

Insert lamenting love song here.

Something by Paramore would probably be appropriate.

One of those emo bands.

---

“Busy?”
“Yeah, a little. What’s up?”
“Can you talk?”
“Sure. A break might be nice.”
“It might take a while.”
“I don’t mind, Ivy. Go for it.”
“…Was I too late?”

---

An unusually warm winter week. Sprawling grass, a park she loves.

They struggle through three days. Three days of fumbled attempts to figure things out using all the right words. Three days of the same phrases with different synonyms. Three days of madness and uncertainty.

At least, that’s what she tells herself.

Maybe one day she’ll acknowledge that the end result was certain from the start.

---

“Look, try to understand-”
“You don’t need to explain this to me, Seth.”
“I just don’t want you to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”

---

She hates him, she realizes as she drinks deeply from her third sympathy Starbucks of the day.

At least a little bit.

What feels like the thousandth person approaches and inquires after her well being, and for a second she almost considers being honest. But there’s no time for emotion, no place for it right now. There’s no room for a mess, there’s too much to do. She can’t spend trivial hours doing trivial things.

Things like feeling.

She’s getting good at this whole suppression thing.

It’s like a recital at this point. A practiced performance.

She’s fine.

Really, just fine.

---

“You don’t need to avoid me, y’know.”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Right, that’s why you subjected yourself to an entire lunch period watching Vince and Anna grope each other.”
“They’re my friends.”
“Vince is your friend. Vince and Anna freak you out.”
“We’re just…in different circles.”
“Except not at all.”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Whatever, Seth.”

---

Black lights, loud music.

People everywhere. People she knows, people she doesn’t.

People she’s a little too familiar with for her comfort at the moment.

She observes with a bitter smile, curled up on someone who might just care about her.

Another sip, another sigh.

The night goes on.

---

“Are you going?”
“Yeah, should be fun.”

---

New Year’s Eve.

Chaos. Beautiful, utter chaos.

Dancing. Rhythm. Heat. Too much, but never quite enough.

He puts a hand on her shoulder and she turns to look at him, her eyebrow raised in question.

Searching.

The music drowns out reason, and she lets it overcome her.

---

“Hey Seth?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you regret it?”
“No.”

Science Geek (7:33:56 PM): fuck no, that'd make me a bigger douche

Science Geek (7:34:11 PM): im fully aware that this is my decision

Science Geek (7:34:17 PM): partially my*

Sushi (7:34:27 PM): Nope, it's pretty much fully your decision.

Sushi (7:34:31 PM): You already have my say in the matter.

Sushi (7:34:40 PM): I want to continue this, whatever the consequence may be on me.

Sushi (7:35:08 PM): Which kind of puts the pressure on you, now that I think about it...

Sushi (7:35:15 PM): O_o Um...sorry"

Sushi (7:35:17 PM): *?

Science Geek (7:35:24 PM): but i don't see how that can work, because every second we would spend doing something i would feel like i was lying to you

Science Geek (7:35:36 PM): wouldnt you feel that way?

Sushi (7:35:50 PM): You can't be lying to me if I'm fully aware of the situation, Science Geek.

Sushi (7:35:57 PM): Like, it is impossible by definition.

Science Geek (7:36:25 PM): yea, but i dont see how you can be ok with that

Sushi (7:36:57 PM): Look, for once I think Lauren has something right.

Sushi (7:37:04 PM): Get what you want.

Sushi (7:37:10 PM): I want this.

Sushi (7:37:37 PM): I want to see if this can possibly work.

Sushi (7:37:43 PM): And if it crashes and burns, it crashes and burns.

Science Geek (7:39:53 PM): blah

Science Geek (7:40:34 PM): in order for it to crash and burn it would need to be moving to begin with, and i don't see how i can do that

Sushi (7:40:43 PM): Okay, fine.

Science Geek (7:40:44 PM): im not sure if im capable of it

Sushi (7:40:49 PM): Stationarily exploding and burning.

Sushi (7:40:51 PM): Whatever.

Sushi (7:41:19 PM): The metaphor is not exactly the important part.

Science Geek (7:41:25 PM): but it worked with mine

Sushi (7:41:35 PM): Congrats to you.

Science Geek (7:42:13 PM): look at this from my perspective

Science Geek (7:42:24 PM): how can i walk away from this without looking like an absolute asshole?

Science Geek (7:42:29 PM): or feeling like one

Science Geek (7:42:55 PM): because, like you said, you can handle yourself

Sushi (7:43:31 PM): That...is something you'd have to work out with yourself.

Sushi (7:43:37 PM): Which means that...I guess I have my answer.

Science Geek (7:44:28 PM): don't jump to conclusions

Sushi (7:44:36 PM): I'm not.

Sushi (7:44:58 PM): Your question to me was 'how do I walk away without looking like an absolute asshole? or at least feeling like one"

Sushi (7:45:04 PM): Emphasis on 'how do I walk away'

Science Geek (7:45:10 PM): nooo

Science Geek (7:45:13 PM): from this situation

Science Geek (7:45:20 PM): not the relationship, wow no

Science Geek (7:45:30 PM): and by walk away i mean "conclude"

Science Geek (7:45:36 PM): bad phrasing

Sushi (7:45:47 PM): Well then...the fact remains that it's something you'd have to work out for yourself.

Sushi (7:45:55 PM): Except that...you're not an asshole if I want this, Science Geek.

Sushi (7:46:00 PM): You're not an asshole if I'm asking you to do this.

Sushi (7:47:05 PM): God, you're honsetly the last person I could ever even CONSIDER labling an asshole.

Science Geek (7:47:36 PM): ok

Science Geek (7:49:08 PM): i dont see how i can pretend

Sushi (7:49:39 PM): I don't consider it pretending if you're trying.

Sushi (7:50:37 PM): You're the one who told me that it's working for what it is.

Sushi (7:50:57 PM): Which is to say, you having enough of a semblence of interest in me to try.

Science Geek (7:52:03 PM): if you want the truth, i think a better description would be that ive been trying to convince myself i was interested because i know that i should be interested and that i have been interested

Sushi (7:52:34 PM): See, this is where that whole brutal honesty thing might come in.

Science Geek (7:52:48 PM): is that not brutally honest?

Sushi (7:52:57 PM): It is

Sushi (7:53:02 PM): But it would've been useful yesterday.

Science Geek (7:53:28 PM): i needed to think

Sushi (7:54:22 PM): So am I jumping to conclusions if I consider that my answer?

Sushi (7:54:27 PM): Or is this another thing I'm misinterpreting.

Science Geek (7:56:07 PM): you might hate me for this now, but i think you'll end up realizing that it's the right thing for me to do, so i have to say yes

Sushi (7:56:23 PM): ...Okay.

Sushi (7:56:51 PM): I actually have to eat dinner now, and like honestly not like "I'm trying to run away from this conversation so I can be an emobasket and kill myself" or something.

Sushi (7:56:54 PM): But for the record?

Sushi (7:56:56 PM): I don't hate you.

Science Geek (7:57:11 PM): please don't, i want to talk more later

Science Geek (7:57:14 PM): enjoy food

Sushi (7:58:09 PM): (Hey, here's an idea: Maybe now we can talk like we used to for the first time in FOUR FUCKING MONTHS.)

Sushi (7:58:10 PM): Eating now.

Sushi (8:12:27 PM): On the bright side of this evening

Sushi (8:12:40 PM): Pollo Loco managed to not give us charcoal briquettes instead of chicken tonight.

Sushi (8:12:45 PM): Which is a pleasant surprise.

Science Geek (8:12:49 PM): ...

Science Geek (8:13:07 PM): im going to like to imagine that you arent basing that statement off of real events...

Sushi (8:13:59 PM): Well, fine.

Sushi (8:14:15 PM): Not give us chicken resembling/tasting like charcoal briquettes instead of real, well cooked chicken.

Sushi (8:14:16 PM): Better?

Science Geek (8:14:47 PM): ah, phew, well better cooked to a crisp than left raw

Science Geek (8:14:53 PM): salmonella isnt good for business

Sushi (8:15:03 PM): Neither is ash poisoning.

Sushi (8:15:15 PM): ...Which...is probably scientifically incorrect in every way.

Sushi (8:15:21 PM): But I'm a little beyond giving a fuck right now.

Science Geek (8:15:49 PM): if ive never heard of it...

Science Geek (8:15:56 PM): jk, who knows

Science Geek (8:16:02 PM): you ok?

Sushi (8:16:10 PM): Hmm.

Sushi (8:16:12 PM): Define okay.

Science Geek (8:16:19 PM): going to be ok*

Sushi (8:16:25 PM): Haha

Sushi (8:16:28 PM): You know I'll be fine.

Sushi (8:16:33 PM): As callous and uncaring as that sounds.

Science Geek (8:16:43 PM): look

Science Geek (8:16:50 PM): try to understand

Sushi (8:16:55 PM): Science Geek

Sushi (8:17:00 PM): You don't need to explain this to me.

Sushi (8:17:15 PM): Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT

Sushi (8:17:17 PM): A. Retarded

Sushi (8:17:19 PM): B. Unrealistic

Sushi (8:17:32 PM): Despite what my unicorn-related discussions might indicate.

Science Geek (8:17:41 PM): yes

Science Geek (8:17:45 PM): if you had said C. Sane

Science Geek (8:17:50 PM): i mightve had to dispute that

Sushi (8:17:56 PM): Osh.

Science Geek (8:17:58 PM):

Sushi (8:17:58 PM): *Psh

Sushi (8:17:59 PM): Lies.

Sushi (8:18:19 PM): Insanity and irrationality are my true callings in life.

Sushi (8:18:25 PM): As well as other words that start with 'i'

Sushi (8:18:29 PM): Such as...

Sushi (8:18:33 PM): Well, I ran out of I words, actually.

Sushi (8:18:38 PM): But it was a nice train of thought while it lasted.

Science Geek (8:20:04 PM): iguana

Sushi (8:20:09 PM): That.

Sushi (8:20:16 PM): Ironically

Sushi (8:20:19 PM): (OOH! Irony)

Sushi (8:20:27 PM): My friend Brittany calls me Iguana

Sushi (8:20:51 PM): Because of my inability (ooh! Inabilities!) to withstand any temperature below 50 degrees.

Sushi (8:21:25 PM): I call her penguin because I'm convinced she was born with down, making her impervious (hmm...no) to the cold.

Sushi (8:21:32 PM): I'm rambling, aren't I?

Science Geek (8:22:52 PM): down.........'s syndrome?

Sushi (8:23:10 PM): ..............................

Sushi (8:23:11 PM): Yes.

Sushi (8:23:13 PM): That, exactly.

Sushi (8:23:53 PM): Wow, I'm glad you're so good with science. That you were able to make those mental leaps from penguin to down syndrome and how it keeps you warm. Not everyone has that kind of intuition.

Science Geek (8:24:23 PM): ...

Science Geek (8:24:39 PM): i know, these connections, they come with time, experience, and general wisdom

Science Geek (8:24:44 PM): im actually 87

Sushi (8:25:02 PM): Yeah, I figured that out from the naps and the memory loss.

Sushi (8:25:30 PM): I'm sure the reason you wouldn't hold my hand was because you wanted to keep me from discovering your severe case of arthuritis.

Science Geek (8:25:58 PM): figured you wouldve broken a finger off

Sushi (8:26:05 PM): Yeah, that tends to get a bit risky.

Sushi (8:26:15 PM): .............Jesus Christ.

Sushi (8:26:29 PM): How is it that it's only when we break up that we're actually able to talk again?

Science Geek (8:26:47 PM): uh

Science Geek (8:26:53 PM): it takes the pressure off

Science Geek (8:27:03 PM): not that there was much pressure

Science Geek (8:27:06 PM): but you know what i mean

Sushi (8:27:13 PM): Haha, for you maybe.

Science Geek (8:27:26 PM): arg

Science Geek (8:27:33 PM): just because im talking

Science Geek (8:27:37 PM): doesnt mean i dont feel like shit

Sushi (8:27:53 PM): Hey, I'm glad we agree on something.

Science Geek (8:28:16 PM): gah

Science Geek (8:28:36 PM): i have to go attempt to do work

Science Geek (8:28:40 PM): not sure if ill be successful

Sushi (8:29:10 PM): Well, if anything, I take comfort in the fact that this situation is going to yield an interesting Folio entry.

Science Geek (8:31:29 PM): haha, oh man

Science Geek (8:31:32 PM): an anonymous one?

Sushi (8:32:16 PM): Anonymous entries aren't aloud.

Sushi (8:32:27 PM): Have some faith in me, science geek.

Sushi (8:32:43 PM): I know how to protect the innocent.

Science Geek (8:33:31 PM): i have faith

Science Geek (8:33:35 PM): i have to go get some work done

Sushi (8:33:48 PM): Don't let it kill you.

Sushi (8:33:54 PM): Last time I checked, you're still my friend.

Science Geek (8:34:03 PM): this is not changing

Science Geek (8:34:11 PM): ill talk to you later

Sushi (8:34:17 PM): Yeah, later.

Science Geek went away at 8:34:37 PM.
 
------

I didn't love him. I never thought I did. But I truly believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was room for the possibility that one day I could.

By the way, everyone should listen to this song I'm currently playing on repeat, if only because the name is sick (it's also a great song, but who cares about that these days?).
 

Figured posting this would be easier than trying to explain it myself.

And in case you're wondering? No, I'm not fine. Yes, I will be fine. No, I do not wish him any harm (mentally or physically). The following conversation doesn’t change the fact that he’s still one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met and he honestly did the right thing here.

Kthnx. Love you all.

<3

Science Geek (6:54:01 PM): hey

Auto Response from Sushi (6:54:01 PM): Christmas tree springs and domestic activities…

Sushi (6:54:09 PM): Hey, you're alive.

Science Geek (6:54:25 PM): aye, rejuvenated

Sushi (6:54:33 PM): Lucky freaking you.

Science Geek (6:55:45 PM):

Science Geek (6:55:48 PM): what you been up to?

Sushi (6:55:57 PM): Vacuuming.

Sushi (6:55:59 PM): Vaccuming?

Sushi (6:56:03 PM): Vaccuuming?

Sushi (6:56:08 PM): Um...domestic things.

Science Geek (6:56:34 PM): oh wow

Science Geek (6:56:36 PM): how.....fun?

Sushi (6:56:49 PM): How...forced?

Science Geek (6:57:48 PM): well of course

Science Geek (6:58:00 PM): how long has this work been going on?

Sushi (6:58:02 PM): Uh

Sushi (6:58:05 PM): Well

Sushi (6:58:10 PM): Considering the massive square footage that is my house

Sushi (6:58:12 PM): Like ten minutes.

Science Geek (6:58:47 PM): ah, well that's good

Sushi (6:59:14 PM): Haha, yeah.

Sushi (6:59:20 PM): Regardless...

Sushi (7:01:28 PM): Topic at hand, I suppose?

Sushi (7:01:44 PM): At least before moving on to the random disjoint conversation?

Science Geek (7:01:54 PM): ok

Science Geek (7:02:02 PM): go for it

Sushi (7:02:12 PM): Okay, one thing. Honestly.

Sushi (7:02:17 PM): Even though you know you'd be honest anyways.

Sushi (7:02:23 PM): Brutally so, which is what I want.

Sushi (7:02:41 PM): Everything we talked about yesterday

Sushi (7:02:48 PM): Was essentially what I wanted.

Sushi (7:02:59 PM): Do you want to keep trying?

Science Geek (7:04:34 PM): ah

Science Geek (7:04:50 PM): well, it

Sushi (7:04:57 PM): Haha, that's confidence inspiring.

Science Geek (7:05:56 PM): 's frustrating, unbelievably frustrating to try so hard but realize that things just can't be the way they couldve been

Sushi (7:06:15 PM): ...Can I be a bitch?

Sushi (7:06:19 PM): A brutally honest bitch?

Science Geek (7:06:24 PM): yup

Science Geek (7:06:27 PM): feel free

Sushi (7:06:34 PM): I have no idea what's been going on in your head for the past month.

Sushi (7:07:06 PM): But at least what I've been able to observe, which could have nothing to do with your brain and whatever you've been doing in there whatsoever

Sushi (7:07:29 PM): Physically speaking, you haven't really been...trying.

Sushi (7:07:36 PM): And please God correct me if you disagree.

Science Geek (7:07:56 PM): no i dont

Sushi (7:08:06 PM): And it's hard to say this without you misinterpreting me as a clingy lunatic

Sushi (7:08:09 PM): Because I'm really not

Sushi (7:08:53 PM): But really, would it kill you to come talk to me once in a while? I don't know, put an arm around my shoulder, hold my hand, make it look like I'm your girlfriend?

Sushi (7:09:09 PM): I mean, I had to cry before you ever really held my hand, y'know?

Sushi (7:09:22 PM): Not that I'm exactly a warm and fuzzy individual myself

Science Geek (7:09:26 PM): look, ive been detached, i know

Sushi (7:09:34 PM): Considering how I'd trained myself to specifically IGNORE JT at times

Sushi (7:09:40 PM): And now it's kind of an automatic thing

Science Geek (7:09:48 PM): i know, i know

Sushi (7:09:57 PM): And obviously it's not about PDA

Sushi (7:10:02 PM): Because you'll make out with me at Paseo

Sushi (7:10:23 PM): And it's not like I'm asking for Conner and Nicole status humping in class status shit

Sushi (7:10:33 PM): Which is ENTIRELY uncomfortable in every way, shape, and form.

Sushi (7:10:48 PM): It's just...as far as I can tell, any trying you've been doing has been purely mental

Sushi (7:11:29 PM): And not that mental effort isn't necessary (in excess, in this case)

Sushi (7:11:44 PM): But physical sometimes does help.

Science Geek (7:13:37 PM): i realize this, but i feel i'd be lying to you. i mean, when im feeling that there are certainly problems, where's the boundary? I don't want to hurt you.

Sushi (7:13:56 PM): Science Geek, honestly.

Sushi (7:13:59 PM): I can handle myself.

Sushi (7:14:08 PM): I cry a lot, but that's just how my brain/body works.

Sushi (7:15:02 PM): And if you feel there are certainly problems, you actually like...can talk to me about them.

Sushi (7:15:18 PM): But seriously, it's not like either of us is looking for something that would last forever.

Sushi (7:15:27 PM): Honestly, this is anything but, and that was always clear from the beginning.

Sushi (7:17:20 PM): So if it's working but not to the fullest, I can live with that. If you happen to remember why it was you liked me and can somehow remove that mental block against me, then that's fantastic. I'm glad. And if not? I'm not going to fall apart because you somehow don't like me as much as anyone thinks you "should".

Sushi (7:17:40 PM): Look, I want this.

Sushi (7:17:43 PM): I honestly do.

Sushi (7:17:48 PM): I will deal with the consequences when they come.

Sushi (7:18:00 PM): But I'm not going to tell you "We are staying together" definitively

Sushi (7:18:02 PM): If it's not what you want.

Sushi (7:18:58 PM): Because if you want to but don't want to get all "serious" or whatever the hell the proper term for this would be here, then I can do it. I can. And I can handle myself if it ends up hurting me. You need to understand this.

Sushi (7:19:11 PM): But if you do not want this relationship in any form...

Sushi (7:19:21 PM): There's nothing I can do about that.

Science Geek (7:21:40 PM): it kills me to know how much i liked you and then to realize that it just hasn't been clicking

Sushi (7:22:27 PM): Because you're worried about me, or because you're internally tormented by it and can't handle said inner turmoil?

Sushi (7:22:32 PM): Because I can deal with the first one.

Sushi (7:22:42 PM): Believe me, I lived through J fucking T. I'm resiliant.

Sushi (7:22:52 PM): But if it's the latter

Science Geek (7:22:56 PM): but this one's me

Sushi (7:23:02 PM): You need to figure out whether or not you can deal with it.

Science Geek (7:23:16 PM): i know

Sushi (7:24:30 PM): Okay, a question

Sushi (7:25:01 PM): Do you think the reason we're not clicking is because you spent a month and a half equating my name with the word NO, or because we honestly just don't work?

Sushi (7:25:11 PM): Because I remember summer.

Sushi (7:25:17 PM): And I remember it working.

Sushi (7:25:30 PM): But that's entirely my opinion.

Sushi (7:25:33 PM): I can't speak for you.

Science Geek (7:25:43 PM): it worked, no doubt, but things change

Science Geek (7:25:51 PM): and in response to your question

Science Geek (7:26:06 PM): you can't underestimate what the former did, because it made things change

Sushi (7:26:19 PM): I'm not underestimating it, believe me.

Sushi (7:26:32 PM): If anything, I've learned to never again doubt willpower.

Sushi (7:26:47 PM): Because I do it a lot.

Sushi (7:27:08 PM): But can you actually tell me how it made things change?

Sushi (7:27:13 PM): Or is it one of those indescribable things

Sushi (7:27:16 PM): Like shrooms?

Science Geek (7:27:46 PM): haha, nice comparision

Sushi (7:27:56 PM): Yes, well.

Sushi (7:27:59 PM): Master of words and all that.

Sushi (7:28:04 PM): When it's not on UC apps.

Science Geek (7:28:20 PM): it's a chemical thing Sushi, that's what "liking someone" is

Science Geek (7:28:28 PM): so yea, i guess in a twisted way it's just like shrooms

Sushi (7:28:30 PM): Ohhhh don't get all sciencey on me.

Science Geek (7:28:50 PM): it's not sciencey

Sushi (7:29:00 PM): You do realize

Science Geek (7:29:03 PM): it's just the simplest answer

Sushi (7:29:08 PM): That given that we DO break up because of this

Sushi (7:29:12 PM): You WILL end up liking me again

Sushi (7:29:16 PM): Based on this pattern we've established?

Science Geek (7:29:25 PM): nuh uh

Sushi (7:29:37 PM): (It was a joke, seriouspants)

Science Geek (7:29:42 PM):

Science Geek (7:29:48 PM): the whole IM internet tone dealio

Science Geek (7:29:56 PM): im still not a professional

Sushi (7:30:13 PM): Yeeeaaaah, like when you thought I was serious when I said humans were the superior species because we have opposable thumbs

Sushi (7:30:16 PM): And you flipped a bitch on me.

Science Geek (7:30:51 PM): psh, you cant feed me stuff like that and expect me to sit still

Science Geek (7:30:57 PM): but back to conversation

Sushi (7:31:17 PM): You can't take shit like that SERIOUSLY, or else you'd have to file me into the 'too stupid to live' catagory.

Sushi (7:31:24 PM): Like, by default.

Sushi (7:31:26 PM): But yes, conversation.

Science Geek (7:32:02 PM): haha, but you can't NOT take it at least a little seriously either else be filed in the "asshole" category

Science Geek (7:32:09 PM): else*

Sushi (7:32:20 PM): Except NOT AT ALL, because anyone who says something like that should be SHOT.

Sushi (7:32:26 PM): *something like that seriously

Science Geek (7:32:36 PM): haha, ookkkk

Sushi (7:32:42 PM): XD

Sushi (7:32:43 PM): Sorry.

Sushi (7:32:45 PM): Had to fight that point.

Science Geek (7:32:47 PM): where were we?

Sushi (7:32:48 PM): Anyways.

Science Geek (7:32:49 PM): lol

Sushi (7:32:51 PM): Okay, I want you to be able to deal with your personal inner turmoil or whatever. I really, really do.

Sushi (7:32:58 PM): But basically

Sushi (7:33:01 PM): I can't make that decision FOR you.

Sushi (7:33:40 PM): There is no way I can possibly say, "Science Geek, we ARE continuing this because I want to," and expect you to go along with it just because I happened to cry and you felt bad for me.

I manage for boys volleyball at my high school, mostly because I don't actually possess the coordination to actually play the sport myself.

This whole managing thing I do started last year, when I was offered a get-out-of-PE-free card in exchange for keeping book (essentially, marking which players were played, what kinds of points they made, and keeping track of fouls, which can often be more complicated then it sounds, especially when they make you color all those stupid starter triangles) for the girls basketball team. I accepted without hesitation, desperate to ditch PE (being the athletically challenged individual that I am) and opting for more free periods to do the homework and studying I never seemed to feel like doing the night before.

When I first began managing, my knowledge of basketball was practically nonexistent; I basically knew that you could make two pointers, three pointers, free throws, and there was something called a lay-up but I wasn't quite sure what such a maneuver entailed. Eventually, though, I'm proud to say I mastered the art of managing for a basketball team, and maybe even fully understood one whole sport by the end of the season. Needless to say, this is a major accomplishment for someone like me. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I came back this year to manage for girls basketball again, even though PE was no longer a torture chamber subject I was forced to endure as a junior. And when Sean, the boys volleyball coach, and a close friend named KMac both approached me about managing for Boys Volleyball, I accepted without a second thought. I knew less about volleyball coming into this season then I did about basketball when I started managing for the girls as a sophomore, but I was willing to learn.

Siege on Spiketown
Last night's game...was heartbreaking. Bottle crushing. Soul shattering.

The up ref was literally BLIND. I wanted to walk up to her at the end of the game, hand her my glasses, and say "You need these more than I do." They called EVERYTHING on us, including stuff we BLATANTLY didn't do. She swore up and down that DW had a touch, when EVERYONE saw that the ball had literally been a FOOT away from his hand. And, of course, NOTHING was called on the other team. Their setter would literally THROW the ball forward when he tipped, and they NEVER CALLED IT. They had an OBVIOUS under, but because it "wasn't relevant to the play that got the point", they didn't consider it a fault.

KMac and I literally crushed and destroyed three water bottles in frustration. The girls keeping score (who were RETARDED, at the very least) thought we were insane. And the WHOLE other team was COMPLETELY ridiculous. Every time we missed a serve, they were all yelling "WEAKSAUCE".

...

WEAKSAUCE?

Um.

...

REALLY?

If anything, they fail miserably at insults.

And then, of course, there was the guy sitting next to me at the table who pilfered KMac's seat because he needed a place to put his laptop. He works at the San Gabriel Valley News, we believe. Though he was appreciative of my venomous comments about the other team, I'm still convinced that this man was Satan. The jackass wrote our defeat for his news piece at the end of the first set. ONE set, and he'd already determined that we were playing our "worst game of the season" and that Salesian was "on its way to victory at semi-finals". It's not over 'til it's over, you stupid shit, even if you did end up being right.

KMac and I have every intention of purchasing as many copies of the San Gabriel Valley News with his article of that game in it and burning them with our Chem Teacher/Future Assassin, Dr. K.

I think one of the most awful things about that game was the very real possibility that, had our refs not been so terrible, we could've won the match, or at the very least taken them to five sets. The fact that there was a chance for us given only slightly different circumstances just makes the feeling all the more miserable.

The aftermath was the worst. Seeing the boys cry, those douchebaggy, arrogant, egotistical, prick-esque, toolish guys...just broke something inside of me. There's something so wrong about the images I keep seeing in my head. And it hurts to remember. I don't even feel justified for feeling as morose over this as I do; I was the one person on the team, player, manager, coach, or otherwise, who didn't cry. It's almost ironic, considering that I can pretty much cry over everything else in the world. But as I drove home on the bus, and eventually in my car, this sinking feeling inside of me just kept getting worse and worse, and it took me a whole night of contemplation to be able to put all of my feelings about this into words. 

And I meant every last one of those descriptive adjectives of the volleyball boys with all the love in my heart.

Quotes
"Um...Jewish schools are...not very good schools." (TG)

"Having a Toolface." (KM/AS)

"How did I get here, Sean? How did I get here?" (DW)

"Creeper, you are such a creep job." (PD)

"SEXUAL ASSULT." (DW)

"Do you think he noticed?"
"Ohmigod, no, he totally didn't notice."
"What, notice you two drooling over Toolface without his shirt on?"
"...Shit." (AS/KM/CM)

"Help me! I'm in his pants! You just pushed me into Tower's pants." (AS)

"Arrowhead's setter (#1) is rediculously hot. Yes."
"Mmm..." (Book Quote - Arrowhead)

"69! 69! Dyslexic 69! 169!" (KM/AS)

"Shea screwed up a little bit...a lot...shh..."
"Because Ireland took Cheerleader's keys! I WAS BEING A GOOD FRIEND, DAMMIT!"
"KMac saved the day!" (Book Quote)

"Take me to Spiketown, Reed. Take me there!" (PD)

"Inside of her all up in there."
"Vagina?"
"That." (AS/KM)

"That's the 6 to my 9!" (AK)

"1. Sushi doesn't screw up when KMac isn't there to distract her. 2. The Setter was a FLAMING ASS. Like, an ass ON FIRE. 3. No hot boys, wtf." (Book Quote - Pacific Lutheran)

"Then he moved it, and suddenly it was all up in my crotch!" (KM)

"Stop touching me." (DW)

"Creeper, creeper, creeper!!"
"...and of course Barbie goes right over to him..."

"PENETRATE!" (GT)

"Who are we talking about?"
"Douchebag face over there."
"Number 17."
"Oh, you mean the one who tried to gain access to Spiketown and was denied?" (PD/AS/KM)

"KMac + Sushi = MANLY." (Book Quote - Chadwick)

"He just took it right in the face." (DW)

"It was hot."
"Yeah, smoke inhalation kills." (AS/KM)

"It's connection, Sean; you can't break that!" (AK)

"The thicker one! Squeeze it!" (AS)

"You're dripping on me!" (KM)

"Breakin' my balls, Sean. Breakin' my balls." (PD)

"I HATE YOU WITH A FIERY, BURNING PASSION, SMELLY UMIPRE MAN. Also, you fail at life. Entirely."
"All boys on SF team think Sushi is a babe."
"Hot Boy of the Game: #32. Honorary Hot Boys: #13 and #22 (Boy Who Can't Do Libero Tracking)" 
"Old man ref = Nice. Smelly Man Ref (Peruvian Man) still fails. It is consistant. Like his stench."
(Book Quote - St. Francis)

"AWKWARD CHRIS." (KM/AS)

"I'm loving the ass crack, Turo." (PD)

"Honorary Hot Boy: Toolface."
"Honorary Hot Boy: Toolface (again)."
"Honorary Hot Boy: Toolface (forevermore)." (Book Quote)

"So, I know you're worried about guarding your virginity, and all that, and I'd like you to know that you're doing a great job so far - and I just want to reassure you that your virginity is not going anywhere! I know you've heard that high school is full of sex-driven psychos, but I'm here to tell you that you don't have to worry...over the next four years I can assure you that you will be getting NO ass WHATSOEVER. Maybe you might be worried that alcohol will be a stimulant for losing your virginity, but I'm here to tell you that it's okay, you won't ever be invited to any parties where that will be a problem for you. In fact, keep up the good work and you'll be a virgin until you die! Exciting, right?? A nice, boring sexless life is all you're headed for! So don't worry, it's going to be okay!" (AS - The Famous Virginity Speech)

"What're the chances we could light him and the up ref on fire and claim it was an accident?" (KM/AS)

"It's just physics, ref. Really, it's basic physics." (SB)

"KNOCK ON WOOD." (KM/AS)

The End
Granted, the book was considerably more complicated for volleyball than basketball, and sometimes I had to take on roles that I really didn't want to, and never would again (ahem, LINES). Even so, there were a million highlights to managing the boys volleyball team: Chilling with KMac and another close friend who was on the team, Noftle. Figuring out how to somehow actually understand what was going on in a game match, with a lot of help from KMac and Sean. Dancing stupidly to warm-up music. Getting so into the games that I probably would've gotten some kind of technical yellow card had I screamed profanities any louder. Bus rides with the guys. My nickname, Female Persuasion. Cheering louder than the entire fan section of the audience combined. Dissecting sexual songs. Every awkward moment Chris ever walked in on. Scoping out hot guys on opposing teams. Getting scoped out by hot guys on opposing teams (aka visual rape). Jokes about massive orgies with the entire pathetic, douchebaggy P.L. team with KMac. Writing notes in the book at the end of every game. Getting out of certain classes early to go to games. One, single, perfectly recorded match. Texting while libero tracking. Knocking on wood. Man grunts. Destroying water bottles.  Book/Libero tracking pen OCD. Toolface: all the orgasmic times that came with his shirtlessness (even his misses were beautiful), and every all-up-in-his-area crotch grabbing moment. The quotes (above), the laughs (that never ended), the times (I won't easily forget). The significance of the tickets to, occupation, preservation, and careful guarding of SPIKETOWN. 

KMAC. 
SEAN. 
NOFTLE. 
THE BOYS. 

All the love in the world to Boys Varsity Volleyball '08.