“Hey, Seth?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you regret it?”
“Yeah.”
---
Waves crashing on the sun-heated sand. The beach. Midsummer. Salty air, just the way she remembers it, the way she’s craved it.
Pacific Coast Highway. Searching out pennies for mediocre food. The slow crawl home in a little red Toyota.
Four friends.
Really, just friends.
---
“You look uncomfortable.”
“I’m not.”
“You’re lying.”
“No, really. I’m totally and completely fine.”
“Your best friend and my best friend are making out in public two feet from us. You’re nowhere near fine.”
“It’s just…weird, okay?”
“Block it out.”
“Kind of hard.”
“I can do it.”
“You’re not facing them.”
“So look at the wall instead.”
“The wall is boring, Ivy.”
“Then look at me.”
“I’m trying.”
“No, you’re not. Eye contact, Seth. Block them out. Listen to my voice.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“…Okay.”
---
Three perfect weeks of midsummer bliss. She can still taste the sweetness of oblivion, feel the warm wind in her hair from that night.
It was exactly what she wanted, two years too late.
Upon reflection (and isn’t that what this is all about), she probably should’ve seen it coming.
---
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course. Have I ever been one to say no to inquiry?”
“This one’s a little different, Ivy.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“Do you want to maybe go out sometime? Like, a movie or something?”
---
Two months of silence.
Understandable, maybe. But she doesn’t want to understand.
Two months of hesitation.
Reasonable, maybe. But she’s never been reasonable.
Two months of doubt.
Unsettling, maybe. But she’s good at it.
---
"Hey, we haven’t talked in a while.”
“Yeah, I know. Been busy.”
“Well get un-busy, Seth. Life is boring without your conversation.”
“I’ll work on it.”
“You should.”
“Okay.”
“…Okay.”
---
They dance around the subject, bury it in casualties. She’s never been good at hiding things, but she’s learning quickly. He’s a good teacher, even though he probably doesn’t realize it.
She doesn’t like the pauses when they talk. She doesn’t like how he always looks ready to bolt when she’s around.
She doesn’t like any of this.
And life goes on.
---
“You’re oversimplifying.”
“And you’re being emo.”
“I’m not being emo, it’s just the truth.”
“Seth.”
“What.”
“Seth.”
“What. I’m just saying what’s on my mind. You should do the same.”
“Fine. I regret it.”
“You regret what?”
“Turning you down, okay? I regret turning you down. Are you happy now that I’ve effectually invalidated your argument?”
“…Maybe we should talk about this.”
---
And for a moment, it works. Fall turns to winter, and everything just works.
They’re not exactly normal, but neither was how they got there.
We’ll figure it out. It’s like their motto. And when they smile at each other, when they talk, for the first time in a long time it’s real.
Everything works.
For a moment.
---
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’m only dying.”
“You’re not exactly filling me with confidence here.”
“I’ll be fine, Ivy.”
“Can you make it home?”
“It’s just a headache, nothing major. I can still drive. I’m just sorry I was such a buzzkill tonight.”
“It’s fine, don’t worry. Just…be safe.”
“Sleep well, Ivy.”
---
A typical Saturday night. A typical movie.
She can see the weariness in his eyes as he smiles. As he speaks.
He keeps his distance. She complies, smiling back when it feels as though she should. They’re playing roles. No emotion. She knows this, even if it's never spoken. There are just some things she can feel.
No contact. Even when she reaches for his hand. Even when they kiss goodnight.
No contact.
Not really.
She knows this.
And it’s killing her.
---
“Hey Ivy?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you regret it?”
“Not at all.”
---
Insert lamenting love song here.
Something by Paramore would probably be appropriate.
One of those emo bands.
---
“Busy?”
“Yeah, a little. What’s up?”
“Can you talk?”
“Sure. A break might be nice.”
“It might take a while.”
“I don’t mind, Ivy. Go for it.”
“…Was I too late?”
---
An unusually warm winter week. Sprawling grass, a park she loves.
They struggle through three days. Three days of fumbled attempts to figure things out using all the right words. Three days of the same phrases with different synonyms. Three days of madness and uncertainty.
At least, that’s what she tells herself.
Maybe one day she’ll acknowledge that the end result was certain from the start.
---
“Look, try to understand-”
“You don’t need to explain this to me, Seth.”
“I just don’t want you to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
---
She hates him, she realizes as she drinks deeply from her third sympathy Starbucks of the day.
At least a little bit.
What feels like the thousandth person approaches and inquires after her well being, and for a second she almost considers being honest. But there’s no time for emotion, no place for it right now. There’s no room for a mess, there’s too much to do. She can’t spend trivial hours doing trivial things.
Things like feeling.
She’s getting good at this whole suppression thing.
It’s like a recital at this point. A practiced performance.
She’s fine.
Really, just fine.
---
“You don’t need to avoid me, y’know.”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Right, that’s why you subjected yourself to an entire lunch period watching Vince and Anna grope each other.”
“They’re my friends.”
“Vince is your friend. Vince and Anna freak you out.”
“We’re just…in different circles.”
“Except not at all.”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Whatever, Seth.”
---
Black lights, loud music.
People everywhere. People she knows, people she doesn’t.
People she’s a little too familiar with for her comfort at the moment.
She observes with a bitter smile, curled up on someone who might just care about her.
Another sip, another sigh.
The night goes on.
---
“Are you going?”
“Yeah, should be fun.”
---
New Year’s Eve.
Chaos. Beautiful, utter chaos.
Dancing. Rhythm. Heat. Too much, but never quite enough.
He puts a hand on her shoulder and she turns to look at him, her eyebrow raised in question.
Searching.
The music drowns out reason, and she lets it overcome her.
---
“Hey Seth?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you regret it?”
“No.”
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood:
apathetic - Music:Infra-Red - Placebo
Baja: u wanna hear something funny
Sushi: Shoot.
Baja: not funny i guess
Baja: but a off topic
Baja: comment
Baja: i guess
Baja: (yes i do)
Baja: ok
Sushi: .......
Sushi: Are you actually ever going to SAY this comment?
Sushi: Or just ramble about it?
Baja: ok jesus
Sushi: XD
Baja: i think i actually had a crush on u for a week or so
Baja: isnt that weird as fuck
Sushi: Ahahaha
Sushi: A little weird.
Sushi: But whatever.
Sushi: When was this?
Baja: likee 2 weeks ago
Sushi: That is...kind of random, too.
Baja: i know
Sushi: considering I don't remember talking to you two weeks ago.
Sushi: Aside from maybe very superficially.
Sushi: Like "Am I late to Contemporary."
Baja: it was one of the weeks we actually talked
Sushi: Oh. Maybe my memory is just god awful.
Sushi: XD
Baja: i dunno though
Sushi: Haha, about what?
Baja: about when
Baja: so ya
Baja: dunno why i wanted to tell u
Sushi: Well, as flattered as I am that you somehow found me interesting enough to like post drunk emo kid rant about my substantial lack of breasts
Sushi: I'm glad you're happy with Shell.
-
Sushi: Oh, and if it makes you feel less weird, I fully considered possibly hooking up with you given the oppertunity and the right level of drunkenness if necessary.
Baja: well fuck
Sushi: Ahahaha
Sushi: Probably about the same time you had a crush on me, too.
Sushi: Damn. That could've worked nicely.
Baja: yep
Baja: kinda shoulda not been pussies and said something
Baja: but i regret nothing
Sushi: Haha, I lost track of you at Barbie's
Sushi: Otherwise I might've pursued it.
Sushi: Alas.
Baja: i dunno if i wouldve at Barbie’s
Baja: the night before was the night Shell and i found out we looked at eachother more than friends
Sushi: ...Hmm. Glad I didn't see you at Barbie's then. XD Aside from drink collecting.
Baja: i def wouldve at some period between Richman’s and Barbie’s
Sushi: Haha, as in winter break?
Sushi: When we didn't see each other at all?
Baja: yep
Sushi: Goddammit, couldn't you just have been drunker at Richman's? that would've worked REALLY well.
Sushi: I would've shut up with my emoting, too.
Baja: i was trying
Baja: and so were u
Baja: but u kept saying
Baja: Bajaaa wouldnt hoook up with mee
Baja: so i was like
Baja: hmm
Sushi: Don't listen to me when I'm DRUNK, goddammit
Sushi: XD
Baja: and Cheerleader and Ex-Enemy
Sushi: I never thought you would've, anyways.
Sushi: Like, I said that because I always thought you fully thought of me as straight up NOT as a female at all.
Sushi: XD
Baja: no i thought i hinted at that
Sushi: ...I was drunk.
Sushi: I do not get hints when I'm drunk.
Baja: okk
Baja: weel just say its my fault than
Sushi: Ahahaha
Sushi: It's both of our faults.
Sushi: But things turned out alright. You're with Shell now. =]
Baja: mhm
Baja: srry though
Baja: we actually coulda had fun
Baja: and i coulda helped u be happy after Science Geek
Sushi timing failure, take 500000000000.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood:
annoyed - Music:Starstrukk - 3OH!3
I had one of those moments recently.
It was like, after a crazy night of a party getting rolled by the cops (eight squad cars and a helicopter; personal record for me) and then going to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles for the most delicious meal of my life with six friends and ending up back at Martini's house and all of us crashing in her room.
And I'm just like, in this totally dead state, listening to Ex-Enemy and Indie just babble drunken/high-ly to each other. And all of a sudden there's a pause in the conversation, and then Ex-Enemy goes:
"She's too good for him."
Indie pauses for a moment, then goes, "Yeah. Stupid Science Geek."
...I love my friends. <3
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood:
loved - Music:El Distorio De Melodica - Everclear
Sushi: Hey, how're you feeling?
Science Geek: im fine
Auto Response from Sushi: See the lightning in your eyes.
Science Geek: exhausted though, just woke up from a nap
Sushi: Haha, shocker. What, no post-E spasming?
Science Geek: nah, not at all, i feel fine. at least i think i do
Sushi: ...isn't that, in theory, something you should know?
Science Geek: well i dont feel like shit
Science Geek: i might be a little slow but that could also be due to the fact that i was up for 27 hours
Sushi: ...you're absolutely fucking insane.
Science Geek: psh, it's new years
Science Geek: how about you? feeling alright?
Sushi: Haha, aside from some severe exhaustion I feel fine.
Sushi: Cheerleader and I had a post-rave party that consisted of showering extensively, making food in the microwave that I found in her sister's bedroom, and playing pokemon.
Sushi: Well, I was playing pokemon. It's relaxing with spice tea because we had to wait for everyone else to get home.
Science Geek: everyone else?
Sushi: Haha, the people we were, in theory, supposed to be at TAO with?
Sushi: I hope we weren't like total unwelcome company by the way. Cheerleader and I were just really not feeling the Bitch Vibe that night.
Science Geek: haha, of course it was fine, everyone was having tons of fun
Sushi: You silly etards are funny. =]
Science Geek: when youre on your deathbed, you're going to be counting experiences not brain cells :-D
Sushi: Hey, I'm not complaining. It was fucking hilarious.
Sushi: Even though I think you are all DIPSHITS for rolling on HEROIN CUT E.
Sushi: Isn't that the most dangerous fucking drug to cut it with?
Science Geek: nooo, there was no heroin in it
Science Geek: that wouldnt make sense
Sushi: How do you know that heroin wasn't from like, mexico? Like, some poor drug mule girl brought it up from mexico
Science Geek: nobody would but a powerful downer in a pill of e
Sushi: And it's tainted
Sushi: AND in her stomach
Sushi: And...there are a MILLION ways that could go very, very wrong.
Sushi: So you are now left with a tab of E that is mexican girl stomach acidy and tainted and ready to rear back its head and kill you.
Sushi: Congratulations.
Sushi: And yes, I'm done with my drama queen rant
Sushi: (Even though NYU totally said it was cut with heroin)
Science Geek: he probably said coke, which is more likely
Sushi: Certainly sounded like heroin.
Science Geek: or meth
Science Geek: those are the only two possibilities really
Sushi: You're right, that's closer to heroin. What was I thinking.
Science Geek: he didnt say heroin dammit!
Sushi: I swear he did, and I'm PRETTY sure at least SOME E is cut with heroin.
Sushi: But fine, whatever.
Sushi: At least you didn't decide to take the pills from the random sketchy raver.
Science Geek: apparently it was good stuff
Sushi: Yes, but there's the chance that it could be really, really bad stuff. Like rat poison.
Science Geek: a chance, but not common
Sushi: kkvnjkljxvise. Fine, whatever.
Sushi: You guys just worry me a bit, that's all. I'd really rather none of you ended up seizing in a ditch somewhere because you got mexican girl stomach acid tainted heroin E.
Science Geek: we know how to control ourselves
Science Geek: and besides, im not really a major part of that we in terms of drug consumption
Sushi: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Sushi: Haha, that 'one time only' rule you babbled on about. Or whatever.
Science Geek: yea that will have to be extended to 2 because it didnt affect me that much
Sushi: Oh, you're saying that rule really exists? Because it seemed pretty shaky at the time. More like you'd just thought of it the moment you said it rather than an actual conviction you had.
Sushi: And yeah, what the hell is with you and your E immunity anyways?
Science Geek: nuh uh, it's a conviction to a certain degree, im certainly not becoming a part of that culture...
Sushi: Just saying what it sounded like.
Science Geek: like you were paying attention to my tone of voice...
Sushi: Haha, as opposed to what? The ridiculously, fantastically loud music?
Science Geek: that and the 65,000 weird people
Sushi: And the cigarettes that were everywhere, each one ready to burn my skin.
Science Geek: i had many a cigarette ashed onto my hand
Sushi: .......ow.
Sushi: Yeah, NYU caught me in the stomach but it's nothing lasting.
Sushi: ...Wait, I lied, it's darker than I thought.
Sushi: But whatever, if my monster hookah coal scar can fade (ish), this definitely will.
Science Geek: youre just an unlucky person huh?
Sushi: Psh, always so pessimistic Negative Norbert.
Science Geek: ...that wasn't a negative statement
Sushi: Yes, because calling me unlucky is so very positive.
Science Geek: it's a neutral statement
Science Geek: based on the fact that your mid-region seems to attract hot objects
Sushi: ...................Yeah, that's what she said.
Science Geek: i realized that too
Science Geek: good setup
Sushi: Haha, well regardless, I'm thinking I should wear longer shirts.
Science Geek: but...but it's a rave
Sushi: Yeah, which probably explains why Martini somehow convinced me to skank it up.
Sushi: Also, if I was wearing a longer shirt I might've overheated and passed out because holy fuck it was hot.
Science Geek: oh yes, it was hot
Sushi: Haha, there's like no way to prepare for the radical temperature changes though.
Sushi: Either you're balls cold or positively boiling.
Science Geek: that part sucked
Science Geek: the cold, at least. the hot was good
Sushi: Yeah, that and getting my diaphram crushed and my eyes rubbing alcoholified.
Science Geek: that freaked me out
Sushi: Haha, freaked YOU out?
Science Geek: stuff like that is how people die
Sushi: I couldn't see for like a full thirty seconds.
Sushi: Yeah, well, thanks for preventing my potential death.
Sushi: Even if trying to hold onto NYU royally fucked up my nail polish.
Science Geek: ...leave it to you...
Sushi: Haha, I'm kiddinggg
Sushi: I mean, it did fuck up my nail polish.
Sushi: But really, between dying and fucked up nail polish, I think I'd have to go with the latter.
Science Geek: that situation really pissed me off
Science Geek :how security could do that shit
Sushi: Security was not exactly...efficient.
Sushi: I mean, it's hard to be with that many people, but still.
Science Geek: that's true, but the general idea is for security to prevent death not cause it
Science Geek: and now im going to go eat because over the past 48 hours ive had half a quesodilla and some cookies
Sushi: ...You should really do something about that.
Sushi: I'm gonna crash soon anyways.
Sushi: 4 hours of sleep didn't really do me well.
Sushi: I'll talk to you later.
Science Geek: ok, cya later
Science Geek went away at 7:20:20 PM
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: happy
- Music:Everlong - The Foo Fighters
So my friend Ex-Enemy and I...have I ever described our relationship to you? We used to loathe each other. Like, all out couldn't stand one another. We tried to pretend in ninth grade due to mutual friends, but by the time 10th grade rolled around, we were done pretending and we just hated everything about each other. Then 11th grade comes around...the time when Ireland and I started having issues (at least, in my brain...she still thinks she's besties with everyone in the whole fucking world but whatever) she and Ex-Enemy had a HUGE falling out and...for some reason Ex-Enemy and I ended up becoming REALLY good friends. Like, it was slow at first. Just random conversations and mutual ground. And we were surprised by how much we actually DIDN'T hate each other as much as we used to (I was less angry/emopants, she was less manipulative/bitchy), and I think we solidified our friendship the night of Prom, when Baby Got Back played and we frantically ran around the dance floor looking for each other and then danced very, VERY embarassingly white-ly to it...and had the time of our lives with each other, people we'd originally hated so completely it was almost funny. So now we're actually really close friends...and we had just finished our Contemporary Fiction research papers (SEVEN PAGESSS) that Saturday at like 4 and emailed them in and we were bored. We were planning on going to Cheerleader's house at 6:30 to drop off our stuff to sleep over and then go to Richman's party, but we had a couple hours until then...and we really didn't feel like working on college applications after that monster of a paper.
And then all of a sudden I go, "Hmm, Science Geek's finished with his college apps. That asshole." And Ex-Enemy goes, "What a bastard. We should totally TP his house. He deserves it for being done." And I was like "Ahahaha, oh GOD, could you imagine if we actually did that? In like, BROAD DAYLIGHT?" because it was still 4. But then she goes, "...Sushi, I'm totally game if you are."
Well, what was I SUPPOSED to say, no?
So she's at my house in twenty minutes and we drive to Science Geek's and totally TP his driveway (because he has motion detectors near his house that turn on lights and alert the occupants of his house if there's like, a rapist or an elk or something outside) as the sun is slowly going down, and for some reason it was so ridiculous but so FUCKING hilarious...until I dropped my ring. My ring from Hong Kong that I just got a month ago and that I kind of love with every fiber of my being. The sun was completely down by this point and it was dark, so Ex-Enemy tries driving her car up to the driveway so we can use her headlights to search, but no such luck. It's just like...GONE. But whatever, it wasn't THAT expensive, so we just say fuck it and drive to Cheerleader's house. Except that when we get there, we have a brilliant idea: Science Geek will probably know it was us anyways, so why not just call him and ask him for the ring back?
So I did.
He didn't pick up, so I left a message:
"Hey Science Geek? It's Sushi. I'm really hoping you haven't left for the party yet, because I think I like, left my ring in your driveway? Yeah, It would be really great if I could get that back. Thanks!"
I get to the party? He actually has the ring. Like, he went out with a flashlight and found it. Amidst the toilet paper that is clinging to every bush in the area. He is a ridiculous human being.
Richman is this like super filthy rich guy who has these really explosively huge birthday parties at his house every year. So as I previously planned, I decided to get very, very shitfaced. And I did. And it was wonderful, even if it meant I spent most of the night sitting on Pothead's lap (totally platonic friend who would never take advantage of me...I think) because walking was a bit of a conflict. And dancing with this junior, who I'd never actually spoken to before in my life. I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember who I am. Or ever knew who I was to begin with. But whatever. I just kind of babbled happily and Fishman kept handing me more alcohol when people kept trying to take it away from me. Which was kind of fucking hilarious. And like I said, Science Geek WAS there (with my ring), being awkward around me as usual. I don't remember if I told you about this, but Science Geek has been RAGING awkward around me since we broke up. I mean, I think I'VE returned to normal and he hasn't. He was still really quiet around me, and avoided me when he could. But whatever. I just drank a lot and had fun and got carted home by my amazing friends Ex-Enemy and Cheerleader. Who are apparently very amused by my drunken ass. But whatever.
Something kind of stuck with me though. Ex-Enemy asked if I was okay, and I was like, "Of course I am!" and then I giggled a lot and was like, "I'm perfectly happy." But then she just kind of looks me in the eye, then hugs me and goes, "Honey, you're sad. You're so sad, and it's making me sad."
Needless to day, she knew the reason I was drinking was not purely recreational.
I don't know how the fuck we became friends, but I'm glad we are now.
Monday, December 22: NYU's House
So, a couple of our college friends came home and Cheerleader and I wanted to see them. The thing is...our college friends were originally Science Geek's bestest friends forevar or something like that, and we just became friends with them by association. Well, in Cheerleader's case it was more like she DATED Cadet, but whatever. We went to see them at NYU's house, and NYU and Science Geek were like, stoned and watching a movie so Cadet (who can't smoke becuase he get drug tested when he goes back to West Point) and Cheerleader and I go out to get some food because even when STONED Science Geek is being raging awkwardpants around me. Like, it's ridiculous. And then we end up going back and watching In Bruges (WATCHITNOWSOGOOD) which was more awkward because we were all just kind of quiet or some shit and it was just...fuckin' weird. I don't know how to explain it.
Friday, December 26th: "Coffee Meet" Turned Cross-Country Trek
Cadet and I have developed a strange relationship since we first met. He and Cheerleader have hooked up so very many times, and they dated, and he and Science Geek and Cheerleader and I all hung out like, for three weeks SOLIDLY over break (basically the best three weeks of my life? Yes) before everything fell apart when he left for West Point and Science Geek asked me out and all that. Still, Cadet and I have always been very strictly platonic friends who pick each other's brains about our respective best friends (Cheerleader and Science Geek, of course) but have this weird mutual understanding of each other. It's really hard to describe, but I'm comfortable with it. So the night before, he apparently like, tried to reach out to Cheerleader and ask her to take him back but he DID totally break her heart by dumping her because the distance was too great and it was an imperfect situation for them both and some other stuff, and now he was a little emopants about Cheerleader turning him down and all that, and we decided to meet up and discuss our failed relationships. So coffee it was. And we sat for a while, but eventually we started getting antsy so we got up and started walking down Colorado Blvd.
That whole distance? We WALKED that. As in, across THREE cities. Just talking about...everything. It was so weird, but it really cleared my head and I liked it a lot. For some reason it just kind of calmed the torrent of thoughts that had been plaguing my head. It was something I needed, and I think Cadet needed it too. So all in all, it was an incredibly nice time for us both.
Until we realized that Cadet had left his car, which he was supposed to drive me back home in, at a parking lot back where we'd met for coffee.
...Yeah.
I'm very blessed with amazing friends named KMac who drive across FOUR cities to come pick us up.
Monday, December 29th: Operation Ireland
But that doesn't change the fact that a lot of the bad frustration outweighs the flickering good moments.
Soooo...Ex-Enemy and Cheerleader and I might have decided to totally fuck up her house with toilet paper, saran wrap, and (I'm almost ashamed to type it) pads while she's in Ireland. I mean, we totally WRECKED her lawn and porch and all that. It was a true work of destructive art. I actually MIGHT have taped her two reindeer together in a...position of copulation. And it was beautiful.
Unfortunately, when we drove by the next day everything was perfect again.
Damn those paid gardeners. DAMN them.
But the image will last in my head forever.
Also, I'm a terrible friend.
Wednesday, December 31st 2008 - Thursday, January 1st 2009: New Year's Eve Los Angeles, aka Together As One, aka TAO
Before I start, please go to this website: www.newyearsevela.com
Looked through it a bit? Good. Understand that everything you see on that website is a RESPECTABLE, CONSERVATIVE, and MILD version of what Together As One, Los Angeles' annual New Year's Rave, actually is.
Yeah, I went to a rave on New Year's, and it was FUCKING AWESOME.
It runs from 7PM to 4AM. I'm sure you know the general idea of a rave; lots of techno music and dancing and people rolling on ecstacy. And honestly, it was exactly that. I just didn't expect to LOVE it so much. And even though, in all honesty, EVERYONE at that place loved EVERYTHING and EVERYONE because that's just kind of what E does to you, I wasn't rolling and I still loved every moment of it.
So Cheerleader and I were going to go with our friends Martini, Indie, Bitch, and Martini's weird cracked out friend Midnight, except that Bitch was in UBER bitch mode and Martini was just being really negligent and annoying about times and stuff like that, so Cheerleader and I went in a separate car and we ended up totally ditching them in favor of...well, Cadet and Science Geek and NYU and NYU's two friends Jet Pack and Guy Whose Name I Don't Remember. I'll call the latter Brian, because that's what I think his name was. Maybe. I...think.
Anyways, considering the MASSIVE line when we got there at 8, we got in pretty quickly (like, 45 minutes of waiting, I think? It really wasn't bad) and it was BALLS cold because rave clothing is essentially hooker status if you're female (I, for one, was in a really miniscule but super shiny tube top, jean shorts, and fishnets), but it got a lot better when we got inside the LA Sports Arena because there were like a ZILLION people in there and it was REALLY fucking hot, but strangely comfortably so.
And Rose, I can't even describe how amazing it was. Like, it was absolutely fucking INCREDIBLE. All the guys except for Cadet were rolling (again, the drug testing thing), and even though Cheerleader and I opted out because we like our brain cells, watching them was fucking HILARIOUS. Their shirts were all off because it was so hot, and every touch to their skin is like a shock wave through their system, so a massage was like multiple orgasms. Seriously, it was the most amazing thing to literally SEE the effect you were having on these guys on their faces as you massaged them. Like, when I was done with NYU at one point, he like, grabs me, kisses me on the cheek, and goes "That was fucking incredible. I think I came like, twelve times, and I like men."
NYU is very, very gay.
Anyways, it was hilarious and wonderful and these guys we were with were pretty hot, so Cheerleader and I became the official massagers of the night, and the funny thing is that they forget you're not on E, these guys, so they massage back. It was kind of like a massage orgy, which was...kind of hot, honestly. Because massaging some of these guys while they were rolling was like having sex with them. Like, Brian? I massaged his neck while we danced, and he just like burries his head into my shoulder and arches into me while his hands like, grab at my back and just kind of hold on.
This is getting graphic.
Hehe.
And the best part? Science Geek not being awkward. Like, I know it was the ecstacy. I know it was. But it was SO nice to have him look me in the eye again, and smile at me and ask if I was having fun, and at one point (when the E was REALLY hitting him), sex-massage-dancing with me, which was only kind of fuled when Cadet dumped water on my head and my skin was really slick and wet and he was like, fascinated by it and...
This is getting graphic again.
But really, it was just nice that he was NORMAL around me again. And even when he was coming down from it a few hours later, he was STILL in like normal mode. And it was wonderful, especially knowing it wasn't chemical, it was just him.
And then for some reason we got it in our heads that we wanted to to upstairs for a while, so we tried going up through these eight flights of...not stairs, but like...incline ramps? Does that make sense? Like, wheelchair ramps, almost. Except they were for anyone. And there were eight flights of these inclines and a LOT of people going up (like, a shitton) so our group all held hands to try staying together, except we were like on the fifth flight when all of a sudden SECURITY BLOCKED OFF THE BALCONY we were trying to get to.
So now there are still zillions of people coming upstairs, not knowing that it's blocked off, and everyone who're already on the upper ramps trying to come back down. And needless to say...it was a catastrophe.
Like, understand that I'm not often completely unnerved. But I actually had a breakdown because there were so many people and like, everyone was squeezed together so tightly, and I had like three elbows in my diaphram threatening to burst my lungs and I lost NYU's hand somewhere in the middle and ironically, the only person I could hold onto...
Was Science Geek.
And even we almost got separated but I was like, desparately clinging to him at that point and he somehow powered his way through like three people and we were both TOTALLY freaked out, and...okay, this is twisted considering the circumstances, but part of me was kind of touched he was protecting me, y'know? Like, he would've done it for any one of his friends. But it was just this small reassurance that we actually still WERE friends, regardless of this awkward awkward thing he had going with me. He was like, really careful with me and just pushed people away from me so I could breathe and kept asking me if I was okay and I was a total basket case because some asshole spilled VODKA in my eye and I couldn't see for like a full thirty seconds but I felt so bad for losing the rest of the group so I kept apologizing and...
Wow. It was just really intense.
But we eventually found the rest of our group and we went back to dancing like nothing had ever happened.
That atmosphere, Rose. It's intoxicating. The area around you is honestly disgusting.
Like, okay, New Year's Eve at Together As One was totally one of the best nights of my life and easily the best New Year's I've ever had. But that doesn't change the fact that with all those sweaty, filthy people, I was COMPLETELY grossed out. Like, I blocked it from my mind at the time and just danced and had fun, but that doesn't change the fact that my shoes are COVERED in gum that stupid e-tards spat out when they were done needing something to gnaw on, and I was basically constantly at risk of someone catching some exposed skin with a cigarette (which eventually happened; I didn't mind much though because it was NYU and he apologized excessively after the fact) and there was a very real chance that I could've been stuck somewhere with an AIDS needle because God knows that even if I'd been dressed CONSERVATIVELY (which I really was not), a quick jab could've infected me for life and...
Gah, it was totally and completely disgusting.
...But even then. You don't have to be on drugs to feel it. There's just this amazing air of...unity, honestly. Together As One is certainly a fitting title, because everyone seemed...connected by humanity. And drugs. I know it sounds stupid, but there was something really incredible about it. I can't even describe it with any kind of adaquacy. Cheerleader and I were just with the most amazing group of guys at the most amazing time and place.
Oh, and the New Year's Countdown? Fucking incredible.
I might've kissed three of the guys.
But one of them was NYU. And he's gay.
And they were all very innocent kisses. Jet Pack and Brian were very gentlemanly. Aside from when they were doing their moaning, groaning, grabbing, arching thing when Cheerleader and I massaged them. But I don't think they could really control that.
And Cheerleader and I hugged Science Geek and Cadet. Because that's the only appropriate thing to do with guys you've broken up and are still friends with, or guys your best friend has broken up and are still friends with. But everything was just very comfortable and friendly and wonderful.
I really think I am over Science Geek. Mostly. Like, certainly not entirely. But for the most part. Except when that bitch raver girl totally sex-massaged Science Geek, although she was totally rolling too and did it to EVERY guy. But I saw her do it to NYU, and she had full on ear-suckage going for like half a second, and I turned away when she moved to Science Geek but I'm really hoping that didn't happen. Like, really.
And yeah, I can't really talk because I definitely sex massaged every guy in our group. But there was no ear sucking.
...I'm almost over him. I swear.
Our whole group decides to leave at 2:30 in the morning, even though we all kind of came with different people. Like, Science Geek and Cadet and NYU and Jet Pack came together, and Brian came with a totally different group and ended up with us, and Cheerleader and I were supposed to be with our friends or whatever, but by the end of it we considered OURSELVES one whole group, and it was kind of cool to see it happen. Cheerleader and I were going to walk ourselves to the car that we parked on the street, except we were a little freaked out about the fact that her car was in the middle of Thugtastic Ghettoass Ville (even though the USC campus and the LA Sports Arena are both GORGEOUS, and amazing, and rich, everything around it is DANGEROUS, SKETCHY SHIT), so we were going to ask like, maybe just Science Geek and Cadet to come with us and we'd give them a ride over to Jet Pack 's car while the rest of the guys walked, but then all of a sudden the boys are just like "TOGETHER AS ONE!" and go charging after us and they ALL come with us to Cheeerleader's car, and it was just...really sweet and I actually adore those guys even if I really don't know a couple of them very well. They're just...they were nice. Amazingly nice, even. And TAO wouldn't have been half as fun without them.
Cheerleader and I haul our asses back to her house, and well...her house is kind of crazy because it's under construction and only a fraction of it actually EXISTS as livable space currently, but we made do with what we had, took extensive showers, and made popcorn, tea, and turkey noodle soup in the microwave we found stowed in her sister's room (lol wut?) and just chilled out until the other girls we were supposed to spend TAO with came home at like 6 in the morning.
Moral of the story: I'm dragging you to Together As One some day, because it was easily one of the best nights of my whole entire life and hands-down the best New Year's Eve I've ever had. And overall it's just an incredible experience, and I want you to know what it's like because just writing it out is kind of hard for me to do it justice.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: complacent
- Music:Another Day - RENT
Science Geek (7:33:56 PM): fuck no, that'd make me a bigger douche
Science Geek (7:34:11 PM): im fully aware that this is my decision
Science Geek (7:34:17 PM): partially my*
Sushi (7:34:27 PM): Nope, it's pretty much fully your decision.
Sushi (7:34:31 PM): You already have my say in the matter.
Sushi (7:34:40 PM): I want to continue this, whatever the consequence may be on me.
Sushi (7:35:08 PM): Which kind of puts the pressure on you, now that I think about it...
Sushi (7:35:15 PM): O_o Um...sorry"
Sushi (7:35:17 PM): *?
Science Geek (7:35:24 PM): but i don't see how that can work, because every second we would spend doing something i would feel like i was lying to you
Science Geek (7:35:36 PM): wouldnt you feel that way?
Sushi (7:35:50 PM): You can't be lying to me if I'm fully aware of the situation, Science Geek.
Sushi (7:35:57 PM): Like, it is impossible by definition.
Science Geek (7:36:25 PM): yea, but i dont see how you can be ok with that
Sushi (7:36:57 PM): Look, for once I think Lauren has something right.
Sushi (7:37:04 PM): Get what you want.
Sushi (7:37:10 PM): I want this.
Sushi (7:37:37 PM): I want to see if this can possibly work.
Sushi (7:37:43 PM): And if it crashes and burns, it crashes and burns.
Science Geek (7:39:53 PM): blah
Science Geek (7:40:34 PM): in order for it to crash and burn it would need to be moving to begin with, and i don't see how i can do that
Sushi (7:40:43 PM): Okay, fine.
Science Geek (7:40:44 PM): im not sure if im capable of it
Sushi (7:40:49 PM): Stationarily exploding and burning.
Sushi (7:40:51 PM): Whatever.
Sushi (7:41:19 PM): The metaphor is not exactly the important part.
Science Geek (7:41:25 PM): but it worked with mine
Sushi (7:41:35 PM): Congrats to you.
Science Geek (7:42:13 PM): look at this from my perspective
Science Geek (7:42:24 PM): how can i walk away from this without looking like an absolute asshole?
Science Geek (7:42:29 PM): or feeling like one
Science Geek (7:42:55 PM): because, like you said, you can handle yourself
Sushi (7:43:31 PM): That...is something you'd have to work out with yourself.
Sushi (7:43:37 PM): Which means that...I guess I have my answer.
Science Geek (7:44:28 PM): don't jump to conclusions
Sushi (7:44:36 PM): I'm not.
Sushi (7:44:58 PM): Your question to me was 'how do I walk away without looking like an absolute asshole? or at least feeling like one"
Sushi (7:45:04 PM): Emphasis on 'how do I walk away'
Science Geek (7:45:10 PM): nooo
Science Geek (7:45:13 PM): from this situation
Science Geek (7:45:20 PM): not the relationship, wow no
Science Geek (7:45:30 PM): and by walk away i mean "conclude"
Science Geek (7:45:36 PM): bad phrasing
Sushi (7:45:47 PM): Well then...the fact remains that it's something you'd have to work out for yourself.
Sushi (7:45:55 PM): Except that...you're not an asshole if I want this, Science Geek.
Sushi (7:46:00 PM): You're not an asshole if I'm asking you to do this.
Sushi (7:47:05 PM): God, you're honsetly the last person I could ever even CONSIDER labling an asshole.
Science Geek (7:47:36 PM): ok
Science Geek (7:49:08 PM): i dont see how i can pretend
Sushi (7:49:39 PM): I don't consider it pretending if you're trying.
Sushi (7:50:37 PM): You're the one who told me that it's working for what it is.
Sushi (7:50:57 PM): Which is to say, you having enough of a semblence of interest in me to try.
Science Geek (7:52:03 PM): if you want the truth, i think a better description would be that ive been trying to convince myself i was interested because i know that i should be interested and that i have been interested
Sushi (7:52:34 PM): See, this is where that whole brutal honesty thing might come in.
Science Geek (7:52:48 PM): is that not brutally honest?
Sushi (7:52:57 PM): It is
Sushi (7:53:02 PM): But it would've been useful yesterday.
Science Geek (7:53:28 PM): i needed to think
Sushi (7:54:22 PM): So am I jumping to conclusions if I consider that my answer?
Sushi (7:54:27 PM): Or is this another thing I'm misinterpreting.
Science Geek (7:56:07 PM): you might hate me for this now, but i think you'll end up realizing that it's the right thing for me to do, so i have to say yes
Sushi (7:56:23 PM): ...Okay.
Sushi (7:56:51 PM): I actually have to eat dinner now, and like honestly not like "I'm trying to run away from this conversation so I can be an emobasket and kill myself" or something.
Sushi (7:56:54 PM): But for the record?
Sushi (7:56:56 PM): I don't hate you.
Science Geek (7:57:11 PM): please don't, i want to talk more later
Science Geek (7:57:14 PM): enjoy food
Sushi (7:58:09 PM): (Hey, here's an idea: Maybe now we can talk like we used to for the first time in FOUR FUCKING MONTHS.)
Sushi (7:58:10 PM): Eating now.
Sushi (8:12:27 PM): On the bright side of this evening
Sushi (8:12:40 PM): Pollo Loco managed to not give us charcoal briquettes instead of chicken tonight.
Sushi (8:12:45 PM): Which is a pleasant surprise.
Science Geek (8:12:49 PM): ...
Science Geek (8:13:07 PM): im going to like to imagine that you arent basing that statement off of real events...
Sushi (8:13:59 PM): Well, fine.
Sushi (8:14:15 PM): Not give us chicken resembling/tasting like charcoal briquettes instead of real, well cooked chicken.
Sushi (8:14:16 PM): Better?
Science Geek (8:14:47 PM): ah, phew, well better cooked to a crisp than left raw
Science Geek (8:14:53 PM): salmonella isnt good for business
Sushi (8:15:03 PM): Neither is ash poisoning.
Sushi (8:15:15 PM): ...Which...is probably scientifically incorrect in every way.
Sushi (8:15:21 PM): But I'm a little beyond giving a fuck right now.
Science Geek (8:15:49 PM): if ive never heard of it...
Science Geek (8:15:56 PM): jk, who knows
Science Geek (8:16:02 PM): you ok?
Sushi (8:16:10 PM): Hmm.
Sushi (8:16:12 PM): Define okay.
Science Geek (8:16:19 PM): going to be ok*
Sushi (8:16:25 PM): Haha
Sushi (8:16:28 PM): You know I'll be fine.
Sushi (8:16:33 PM): As callous and uncaring as that sounds.
Science Geek (8:16:43 PM): look
Science Geek (8:16:50 PM): try to understand
Sushi (8:16:55 PM): Science Geek
Sushi (8:17:00 PM): You don't need to explain this to me.
Sushi (8:17:15 PM): Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT
Sushi (8:17:17 PM): A. Retarded
Sushi (8:17:19 PM): B. Unrealistic
Sushi (8:17:32 PM): Despite what my unicorn-related discussions might indicate.
Science Geek (8:17:41 PM): yes
Science Geek (8:17:45 PM): if you had said C. Sane
Science Geek (8:17:50 PM): i mightve had to dispute that
Sushi (8:17:56 PM): Osh.
Science Geek (8:17:58 PM):
Sushi (8:17:58 PM): *Psh
Sushi (8:17:59 PM): Lies.
Sushi (8:18:19 PM): Insanity and irrationality are my true callings in life.
Sushi (8:18:25 PM): As well as other words that start with 'i'
Sushi (8:18:29 PM): Such as...
Sushi (8:18:33 PM): Well, I ran out of I words, actually.
Sushi (8:18:38 PM): But it was a nice train of thought while it lasted.
Science Geek (8:20:04 PM): iguana
Sushi (8:20:09 PM): That.
Sushi (8:20:16 PM): Ironically
Sushi (8:20:19 PM): (OOH! Irony)
Sushi (8:20:27 PM): My friend Brittany calls me Iguana
Sushi (8:20:51 PM): Because of my inability (ooh! Inabilities!) to withstand any temperature below 50 degrees.
Sushi (8:21:25 PM): I call her penguin because I'm convinced she was born with down, making her impervious (hmm...no) to the cold.
Sushi (8:21:32 PM): I'm rambling, aren't I?
Science Geek (8:22:52 PM): down.........'s syndrome?
Sushi (8:23:10 PM): ..............................
Sushi (8:23:11 PM): Yes.
Sushi (8:23:13 PM): That, exactly.
Sushi (8:23:53 PM): Wow, I'm glad you're so good with science. That you were able to make those mental leaps from penguin to down syndrome and how it keeps you warm. Not everyone has that kind of intuition.
Science Geek (8:24:23 PM): ...
Science Geek (8:24:39 PM): i know, these connections, they come with time, experience, and general wisdom
Science Geek (8:24:44 PM): im actually 87
Sushi (8:25:02 PM): Yeah, I figured that out from the naps and the memory loss.
Sushi (8:25:30 PM): I'm sure the reason you wouldn't hold my hand was because you wanted to keep me from discovering your severe case of arthuritis.
Science Geek (8:25:58 PM): figured you wouldve broken a finger off
Sushi (8:26:05 PM): Yeah, that tends to get a bit risky.
Sushi (8:26:15 PM): .............Jesus Christ.
Sushi (8:26:29 PM): How is it that it's only when we break up that we're actually able to talk again?
Science Geek (8:26:47 PM): uh
Science Geek (8:26:53 PM): it takes the pressure off
Science Geek (8:27:03 PM): not that there was much pressure
Science Geek (8:27:06 PM): but you know what i mean
Sushi (8:27:13 PM): Haha, for you maybe.
Science Geek (8:27:26 PM): arg
Science Geek (8:27:33 PM): just because im talking
Science Geek (8:27:37 PM): doesnt mean i dont feel like shit
Sushi (8:27:53 PM): Hey, I'm glad we agree on something.
Science Geek (8:28:16 PM): gah
Science Geek (8:28:36 PM): i have to go attempt to do work
Science Geek (8:28:40 PM): not sure if ill be successful
Sushi (8:29:10 PM): Well, if anything, I take comfort in the fact that this situation is going to yield an interesting Folio entry.
Science Geek (8:31:29 PM): haha, oh man
Science Geek (8:31:32 PM): an anonymous one?
Sushi (8:32:16 PM): Anonymous entries aren't aloud.
Sushi (8:32:27 PM): Have some faith in me, science geek.
Sushi (8:32:43 PM): I know how to protect the innocent.
Science Geek (8:33:31 PM): i have faith
Science Geek (8:33:35 PM): i have to go get some work done
Sushi (8:33:48 PM): Don't let it kill you.
Sushi (8:33:54 PM): Last time I checked, you're still my friend.
Science Geek (8:34:03 PM): this is not changing
Science Geek (8:34:11 PM): ill talk to you later
Sushi (8:34:17 PM): Yeah, later.
Science Geek went away at 8:34:37 PM.
------
I didn't love him. I never thought I did. But I truly believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was room for the possibility that one day I could.
By the way, everyone should listen to this song I'm currently playing on repeat, if only because the name is sick (it's also a great song, but who cares about that these days?).
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood:
numb - Music:Prostitution Is the World's Oldest Proffession - Cobra Starship
Figured posting this would be easier than trying to explain it myself.
And in case you're wondering? No, I'm not fine. Yes, I will be fine. No, I do not wish him any harm (mentally or physically). The following conversation doesn’t change the fact that he’s still one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met and he honestly did the right thing here.
Kthnx. Love you all.
<3
Science Geek (6:54:01 PM): hey
Auto Response from Sushi (6:54:01 PM): Christmas tree springs and domestic activities…
Sushi (6:54:09 PM): Hey, you're alive.
Science Geek (6:54:25 PM): aye, rejuvenated
Sushi (6:54:33 PM): Lucky freaking you.
Science Geek (6:55:45 PM):
Science Geek (6:55:48 PM): what you been up to?
Sushi (6:55:57 PM): Vacuuming.
Sushi (6:55:59 PM): Vaccuming?
Sushi (6:56:03 PM): Vaccuuming?
Sushi (6:56:08 PM): Um...domestic things.
Science Geek (6:56:34 PM): oh wow
Science Geek (6:56:36 PM): how.....fun?
Sushi (6:56:49 PM): How...forced?
Science Geek (6:57:48 PM): well of course
Science Geek (6:58:00 PM): how long has this work been going on?
Sushi (6:58:02 PM): Uh
Sushi (6:58:05 PM): Well
Sushi (6:58:10 PM): Considering the massive square footage that is my house
Sushi (6:58:12 PM): Like ten minutes.
Science Geek (6:58:47 PM): ah, well that's good
Sushi (6:59:14 PM): Haha, yeah.
Sushi (6:59:20 PM): Regardless...
Sushi (7:01:28 PM): Topic at hand, I suppose?
Sushi (7:01:44 PM): At least before moving on to the random disjoint conversation?
Science Geek (7:01:54 PM): ok
Science Geek (7:02:02 PM): go for it
Sushi (7:02:12 PM): Okay, one thing. Honestly.
Sushi (7:02:17 PM): Even though you know you'd be honest anyways.
Sushi (7:02:23 PM): Brutally so, which is what I want.
Sushi (7:02:41 PM): Everything we talked about yesterday
Sushi (7:02:48 PM): Was essentially what I wanted.
Sushi (7:02:59 PM): Do you want to keep trying?
Science Geek (7:04:34 PM): ah
Science Geek (7:04:50 PM): well, it
Sushi (7:04:57 PM): Haha, that's confidence inspiring.
Science Geek (7:05:56 PM): 's frustrating, unbelievably frustrating to try so hard but realize that things just can't be the way they couldve been
Sushi (7:06:15 PM): ...Can I be a bitch?
Sushi (7:06:19 PM): A brutally honest bitch?
Science Geek (7:06:24 PM): yup
Science Geek (7:06:27 PM): feel free
Sushi (7:06:34 PM): I have no idea what's been going on in your head for the past month.
Sushi (7:07:06 PM): But at least what I've been able to observe, which could have nothing to do with your brain and whatever you've been doing in there whatsoever
Sushi (7:07:29 PM): Physically speaking, you haven't really been...trying.
Sushi (7:07:36 PM): And please God correct me if you disagree.
Science Geek (7:07:56 PM): no i dont
Sushi (7:08:06 PM): And it's hard to say this without you misinterpreting me as a clingy lunatic
Sushi (7:08:09 PM): Because I'm really not
Sushi (7:08:53 PM): But really, would it kill you to come talk to me once in a while? I don't know, put an arm around my shoulder, hold my hand, make it look like I'm your girlfriend?
Sushi (7:09:09 PM): I mean, I had to cry before you ever really held my hand, y'know?
Sushi (7:09:22 PM): Not that I'm exactly a warm and fuzzy individual myself
Science Geek (7:09:26 PM): look, ive been detached, i know
Sushi (7:09:34 PM): Considering how I'd trained myself to specifically IGNORE JT at times
Sushi (7:09:40 PM): And now it's kind of an automatic thing
Science Geek (7:09:48 PM): i know, i know
Sushi (7:09:57 PM): And obviously it's not about PDA
Sushi (7:10:02 PM): Because you'll make out with me at Paseo
Sushi (7:10:23 PM): And it's not like I'm asking for Conner and Nicole status humping in class status shit
Sushi (7:10:33 PM): Which is ENTIRELY uncomfortable in every way, shape, and form.
Sushi (7:10:48 PM): It's just...as far as I can tell, any trying you've been doing has been purely mental
Sushi (7:11:29 PM): And not that mental effort isn't necessary (in excess, in this case)
Sushi (7:11:44 PM): But physical sometimes does help.
Science Geek (7:13:37 PM): i realize this, but i feel i'd be lying to you. i mean, when im feeling that there are certainly problems, where's the boundary? I don't want to hurt you.
Sushi (7:13:56 PM): Science Geek, honestly.
Sushi (7:13:59 PM): I can handle myself.
Sushi (7:14:08 PM): I cry a lot, but that's just how my brain/body works.
Sushi (7:15:02 PM): And if you feel there are certainly problems, you actually like...can talk to me about them.
Sushi (7:15:18 PM): But seriously, it's not like either of us is looking for something that would last forever.
Sushi (7:15:27 PM): Honestly, this is anything but, and that was always clear from the beginning.
Sushi (7:17:20 PM): So if it's working but not to the fullest, I can live with that. If you happen to remember why it was you liked me and can somehow remove that mental block against me, then that's fantastic. I'm glad. And if not? I'm not going to fall apart because you somehow don't like me as much as anyone thinks you "should".
Sushi (7:17:40 PM): Look, I want this.
Sushi (7:17:43 PM): I honestly do.
Sushi (7:17:48 PM): I will deal with the consequences when they come.
Sushi (7:18:00 PM): But I'm not going to tell you "We are staying together" definitively
Sushi (7:18:02 PM): If it's not what you want.
Sushi (7:18:58 PM): Because if you want to but don't want to get all "serious" or whatever the hell the proper term for this would be here, then I can do it. I can. And I can handle myself if it ends up hurting me. You need to understand this.
Sushi (7:19:11 PM): But if you do not want this relationship in any form...
Sushi (7:19:21 PM): There's nothing I can do about that.
Science Geek (7:21:40 PM): it kills me to know how much i liked you and then to realize that it just hasn't been clicking
Sushi (7:22:27 PM): Because you're worried about me, or because you're internally tormented by it and can't handle said inner turmoil?
Sushi (7:22:32 PM): Because I can deal with the first one.
Sushi (7:22:42 PM): Believe me, I lived through J fucking T. I'm resiliant.
Sushi (7:22:52 PM): But if it's the latter
Science Geek (7:22:56 PM): but this one's me
Sushi (7:23:02 PM): You need to figure out whether or not you can deal with it.
Science Geek (7:23:16 PM): i know
Sushi (7:24:30 PM): Okay, a question
Sushi (7:25:01 PM): Do you think the reason we're not clicking is because you spent a month and a half equating my name with the word NO, or because we honestly just don't work?
Sushi (7:25:11 PM): Because I remember summer.
Sushi (7:25:17 PM): And I remember it working.
Sushi (7:25:30 PM): But that's entirely my opinion.
Sushi (7:25:33 PM): I can't speak for you.
Science Geek (7:25:43 PM): it worked, no doubt, but things change
Science Geek (7:25:51 PM): and in response to your question
Science Geek (7:26:06 PM): you can't underestimate what the former did, because it made things change
Sushi (7:26:19 PM): I'm not underestimating it, believe me.
Sushi (7:26:32 PM): If anything, I've learned to never again doubt willpower.
Sushi (7:26:47 PM): Because I do it a lot.
Sushi (7:27:08 PM): But can you actually tell me how it made things change?
Sushi (7:27:13 PM): Or is it one of those indescribable things
Sushi (7:27:16 PM): Like shrooms?
Science Geek (7:27:46 PM): haha, nice comparision
Sushi (7:27:56 PM): Yes, well.
Sushi (7:27:59 PM): Master of words and all that.
Sushi (7:28:04 PM): When it's not on UC apps.
Science Geek (7:28:20 PM): it's a chemical thing Sushi, that's what "liking someone" is
Science Geek (7:28:28 PM): so yea, i guess in a twisted way it's just like shrooms
Sushi (7:28:30 PM): Ohhhh don't get all sciencey on me.
Science Geek (7:28:50 PM): it's not sciencey
Sushi (7:29:00 PM): You do realize
Science Geek (7:29:03 PM): it's just the simplest answer
Sushi (7:29:08 PM): That given that we DO break up because of this
Sushi (7:29:12 PM): You WILL end up liking me again
Sushi (7:29:16 PM): Based on this pattern we've established?
Science Geek (7:29:25 PM): nuh uh
Sushi (7:29:37 PM): (It was a joke, seriouspants)
Science Geek (7:29:42 PM):
Science Geek (7:29:48 PM): the whole IM internet tone dealio
Science Geek (7:29:56 PM): im still not a professional
Sushi (7:30:13 PM): Yeeeaaaah, like when you thought I was serious when I said humans were the superior species because we have opposable thumbs
Sushi (7:30:16 PM): And you flipped a bitch on me.
Science Geek (7:30:51 PM): psh, you cant feed me stuff like that and expect me to sit still
Science Geek (7:30:57 PM): but back to conversation
Sushi (7:31:17 PM): You can't take shit like that SERIOUSLY, or else you'd have to file me into the 'too stupid to live' catagory.
Sushi (7:31:24 PM): Like, by default.
Sushi (7:31:26 PM): But yes, conversation.
Science Geek (7:32:02 PM): haha, but you can't NOT take it at least a little seriously either else be filed in the "asshole" category
Science Geek (7:32:09 PM): else*
Sushi (7:32:20 PM): Except NOT AT ALL, because anyone who says something like that should be SHOT.
Sushi (7:32:26 PM): *something like that seriously
Science Geek (7:32:36 PM): haha, ookkkk
Sushi (7:32:42 PM): XD
Sushi (7:32:43 PM): Sorry.
Sushi (7:32:45 PM): Had to fight that point.
Science Geek (7:32:47 PM): where were we?
Sushi (7:32:48 PM): Anyways.
Science Geek (7:32:49 PM): lol
Sushi (7:32:51 PM): Okay, I want you to be able to deal with your personal inner turmoil or whatever. I really, really do.
Sushi (7:32:58 PM): But basically
Sushi (7:33:01 PM): I can't make that decision FOR you.
Sushi (7:33:40 PM): There is no way I can possibly say, "Science Geek, we ARE continuing this because I want to," and expect you to go along with it just because I happened to cry and you felt bad for me.
(Cont.)- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: numb
- Music:Prostitution Is the World's Oldest Proffession - Cobra Starship
1. Put Your iTunes/Windows Media Player/ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal.
1) If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say:
"Don't Forget Me" - Red Hot Chili Peppers (Apparently it's okay.)
( For the Lulz )
Also:
What is says about you: You are a passionate person. You feel strong ties to nature and your mood changes with its cycles. You get bored easily and want friends who will keep up with you. Those around you admire your fresh outlook and vitality.
Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.
Fuck college. I has the internets.
- Location:Living Room of Jusice
- Mood:
busy - Music:You Might Die Trying - Dave Matthews Band
On November 21, a movie called Twilight will be hitting theaters, causing teenage girls everywhere to swoon and faint dramatically in the face of a sparkly skinned vampire novel brought to life. Unfortunately, my expectations for said movie will be less than stellar, to say the least, considering the surge of physical revulsion I feel every time the book upon which it is based is even mentioned in conversation. That’s right everyone, there’s probably nothing I hate more in the world than the Twilight series.
Still with me?
To summarize (and if you’re a fangirl, to make your pain brief), the entire novel is like a terribly written fanfiction that Stephanie Meyers somehow managed to blackmail a publisher into mass producing (and I know my bad fanfiction, believe me). But the problem is that my words will never be enough to convince anyone of this fact, so I have chosen to extract some quotes from the text of the novel in hopes of explicitly demonstrate beyond a shadow of a doubt that Twilight puts use of the English language to shame and should be burned on principle.
1. “He is unbelievably gorgeous.”
“There’s a lot more to him than that.”
Are you sure, Bella-kins? Because last time I checked, approximately 200 of the 498 pages that make up this heaping pile of word vomit are comprised entirely of you describing Edward Cullen’s perfect physic, facial structure, eyes, smell, skin, fingernails, elbows, pinky toes and all other things that can possibly be elaborated on to the point where it probably would’ve been easier to just put in a picture of him on every other page rather than allowing for a “three adjectives to every one time Edward is mentioned” ratio.
2. “Do I dazzle you?”
No, Edward. No you do not. Rather, you make me vomit a little bit inside. See, I like my guys with something along the lines of oh, I don’t know, personality. From what I can see, all you have going for you is a blinding hotness that would probably just make me feel inferior to you anyways. Honestly, you shouldn’t really dazzle anyone with half a brain because everything you say feels like something out of an Instant Romance Phrase Generator (I’m sure there are plenty around the internet – hey Meyers, can you recommend a good one?) and there’s not a semblance of emotion behind anything you say.
3. “I’m not quite that delicate.”
But you are, Bella. You really and truly are. It seems that as the story progresses, you go from fatally natural klutz (which I still fail to find endearing) to basically not being able to breathe without your beloved Edward’s assistance. I really don’t understand how you get up in the morning without him by your side…oh wait.
4. “I wouldn’t want you to think I’m naturally a tyrant.”
Edward, sweetheart, when you habitually watch someone sleep without them knowing about it, you kind of completely lose the right to say anything about whether or not you are a tyrant. You are not just a tyrant, you are a creepy, stalking tyrant, and if I ever find you in my room I will put a stake through your heart so fast you won’t even have time to dazzle me with your sparkling skin in the sunlight.
5. “I love you.”
“You are my life now.”
Dear God, a question to anyone who’s read this book: these two have known each other for how long? And no matter how long they’ve known each other, someone being anyone else’s entire life is nothing short of pants-on-head retarded. Now there’s a relationship bound for a mountain of problem in the future (and I don’t mean vampire issues). Except that oh wait, I forgot that Meyers doesn’t believe in reality. Still, it’s a revolting display of general stupidity and even an utterly hopeless romantic such as myself experiences a knee-jerk reaction at the sight of it.
These are only a select few of the reasons my soul dies a little more every time this book is mentioned to me, because unfortunately I have a limited amount of space with which to prove my distaste valid. Still, I feel that there are a few things left to be said on the matter:
Look, I understand if you like the Twilight series. There’s nothing wrong with a guilty pleasure or two. This opinion piece is simply that – my opinion. To each his (her?) own; I get that. But people need to realize that there’s a considerable difference between things that you like and things that are good. Believe me when I say that I’m the poster-girl for loving things that are terrible – teenage mermaid television shows? The current comics featuring Perez/Wolfman era Titans? Both are atrocious at best, but I’m still a fan. The important thing is that I can admit when something is bad, even as I continue to tune in for a new episode every week or buy a new issue every month. But if someone even tries to point out a flaw in one of the Twilight books, it’s like the Meyer Militia vaults from the shadows, out for your blood (oh look, a pun) for insulting the. Most. Amazing. Book. Evar.
Please.
What I’m trying to get across is this: Twilight is not well written, the characters do not have anything even resembling personalities, it is entirely devoid of a legitimate plot, and if you want to go the ‘Edward and Bella’s relationship is the plot!’ route, then it should probably be known that there’s more chemistry between me and my copy of Pokemon Crystal than the two main characters of this novel. These are the facts, do with them what you will.
And you can go ahead and tell me that the only way I can fully appreciate Twilight is to read all the books that follow it, that it’ll get better as I go along, that basing my opinion of the entire series on Stephanie Meyer’s first attempt at novel writing is biased and unfair, but I probably won’t listen. The fact remains that I’d rather gouge out my own eyes with Edward’s sparkly vampire teeth than touch anything related to the Twilight series ever again (yeah, yeah, I know it’s just his creamy marble skin that sparkles like a thousand diamonds in the shimmering sun that accentuates the dramatic depth to his eyes and the statuesque perfection of his being or whatever, not his breathtaking and obscenely, beautifully white teeth. I. Still. Don’t. Care).
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: content
- Music:Merchant of Death - Ramin Djawadi
2. Breathing is overrated.
3. That snappy, whishy, pants noise that happens when someone kicks really hard and well and sharpishly? It's genetic.
4. Smoke-laced air does not help with that whole breathing thing.
5. Ow.
6. I would like to die now. At least until my legs stop burning. Thanks.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: cranky
- Music:Girl on TV - LFO
My mom flipped a bitch on me at the last minute and refused to buy me the materials necessary to become a Pichu for Halloween. Thus, NINJA TURTLE:
Sort of.
Go me. <3
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: restless
- Music:Bright Lights - Matchbox Twenty
In an effort to maintain a firm grasp on my sanity, I opted out of seeing the highly overrated High School Musical 3 in favor of a darker, grittier, and probably all around better movie on the night of October 24th, Pride and Glory. Sure, most of the draw was the fact that I’d be sitting in front of a screen displaying almost nothing but Edward Norton and Colin Farrell the whole entire time (in uniform, no less) and it really didn’t turn out to be all that spectacular, but I’d like to think that it was a better option than say, spending ten bucks on a movie ticket for the upcoming Twilight (which I have no intention of doing, but don’t start thinking the book is safe from my wrath).
Pride and Glory is the story of a family of New York cops investigating what is essentially a bloodbath of their fellow police. Three brothers (played by Edward Norton, Colin Ferrell, and Noah Emmerich) struggle with betrayal, lies, corruption, and being a family with a few skeletons in the closet, culminating in a relatively juvenile bar fight. And while I honestly understand that they were trying to portray how no matter the circumstance (dirty cops, nonexistent morals, etc.), brothers are still brothers and aren’t above a good tussle, there’s no denying that the brawl certainly disrupted the heavy, serious tone that the movie practically drowns the audience in throughout the rest of the movie in an unpleasant, even unwelcome way.
This movie is not light on the violence or swearing (hence the rating, I suppose), but it never seems as though the writers were going out of their way to be obscene simply for the sake of obscenity. I’d even go so far as to say that there was something terrifying about how this movie allowed me to believe this whole situation unsettlingly possible, and I’m not sure such a feeling could’ve been achieved without all the blood, torture, and cursing. And really, considering how everything turns out in the end, it could’ve been a whole lot worse.
I’d recommend waiting for the DVD to come out considering the truly generic plot, but I feel like that takes some of the intensity and shock factor away from a movie that heavily relies on both. After all, a beaten and battered man getting executed in a rundown apartment looks and sounds considerably more frightening when the images and gunshots are larger than life. Sure, Pride and Glory sometimes appears to believe it’s a special snowflake when I see it more as a twist on We Own the Night with a better cast (despite how I love Mark Wahlberg), but it’s a movie worth seeing if you happen to have some extra cash.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: calm
- Music:Come On, Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
Okay, new game plan.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: chipper
- Music:Pop - N*Sync
I don't want a body suit, people. Just the ears and the tail. Why is that so DIFFICULT?
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: blah
- Music:How Soon Is Now - The Smiths
Okay, I know.
I know that I rail on the SAT a lot for being a dumb test that doesn't set the standard for the rest of your life. I know I bitch about how seriously everyone takes it, how your score reduces you to a number that people use to evaluate your worth. And y'know, I still kind of feel that way. No, I really do. It's entirely unfair to judge someone by a number, by how they did on a stupid standardized test that doesn't account for any number of disadvantages or disabilities that one has had to deal with throughout his or her life. I mean, in the end, it really is JUST a number and nothing more. A life cannot be damned or saved by this number. There is so much more than just this.
But I just got a 2050 on my SAT, bitches.
And sadly, hypocritically, wonderfully, I feel like my entire existance has been validated by that number.
I make myself sick.
But I'm going to college, dammit.
Off to write essays so as to solidify this hope.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: ecstatic
- Music:Touch My Body - Mariah Carey
...
He's my boyfriend now.
...
I swear I'll never get too sappy.
...
^_^
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood:
pensive - Music:I Say Yeah - Dream Street
Hold on one second. Did anyone catch that?
No?
How about now?
Yeah, I tattooed PacMan on my wrist. Yeah, I'm awesome.
My only regret was that I forgot to draw a ghost.
Cheerleader and Ireland are present, as well as Bookworm and Nyeh! (I really do mean these nicknames in the most endearing ways possible). Can you match the friend pseudonym to the face?
Haha, you probably can.
Love these guys with my heart and soul.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: pleased
- Music:DOA - Foo Fighters
Okay, I’ll say it right now: Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist was easily one of the cutest movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and thankfully not the kind that left me vomiting a bucketful of sugar onto the dance floor hours later at Club R09. No, this movie was definitely the kind of sweet that I liked: tasteful, funny, and firmly grounded in reality. Where most romantic comedies need to really try to earn my respect, this one shined effortlessly with a truth and honesty about it that I haven’t seen in a teen-centric movie…ever, basically. And that in itself is what makes it so worth the ten dollar movie ticket.
Sure, this whole movie was a circumstantial improbability, if not an utter impossibility. The chances of a guy and a girl meeting, both desperate enough to kiss a random stranger, the guy’s friends being the nicest, most supportive gay guys to ever walk the planet (who just happen to have a box full of women’s clothing in the back of their truck), and the girl’s friend being a crazy drunk who is lost in the city and then subsequently found are far beyond ludicrous, to say the least. Still, the realism of this movie doesn’t lie in the circumstance, but the human interactions during the events of one crazy New York night. Everyone knows that Michael Cera has the “That Awkward But Nice Boy Next Door Who Would Totally Bring You Flowers If Your Mom Died” nailed (a fact that I don’t fault him for like everyone else seems to; the kid plays his strengths), but throw in Kat Dennings and suddenly Nick and Norah really come to life as a guy who just can’t get over his ex-girlfriend and a girl who is looking for a way out of her father’s shadow. It’s the little things that make these two (as well as the rest of the cast) sparkle with something other than the typical Hollywood Teenager Sheen that’s taken over movies focused on young adults today. Girls are not always strong when they want to be. Guys are not always suave when they wish they were. Even Tris, the token Beautiful Mean Girl Ex, manages to show some cracks in the shiny, hard veneer of her personality from time to time. The beauty in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist is that I believed every single conversation, human action (and subsequent reaction), and awkward moment the movie had to offer.
Too many people seem to want to compare this movie to Juno, and while I agree that they’re stylistically similar in that “cute, quirky indie” way, I really feel as though such an assessment is selling Nick and Norah far short of the love it deserves. It really has its own unique charm to it, a little out there but altogether hilarious and touching as a result. If you’re not in love with (almost) every character and (almost) every situation and the way it was handled by the time the credits roll, you officially have no soul.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: cheerful
- Music:Warrior - Kid Rock
Y hello thar, father.
Thank you so much for the update.
You're welcome.
I have really missed knowing what's going on in your life.
Bullshit.
It all sounds great!!! I can feel your excitement and happienss and I am happy for you.
As long as you're not the one paying for it.
I am doing really well thanks! My life is the exact opposite of yours but I am content and filled with joy, ease and lightness.
I'm so happy for you! Maybe you could take some of that joy, ease, and lightness and shove it up your ass.
So almost off to college eh... Wow your list of potentials is quite impressive and all bet expensive. You'll be the first Shea to go to a posh university.
...Posh? I have ONE Ivy, and there's like next to no chance I'll ever get in.
We all went to state schools and paid our own ways.
Oh, emo emo /wrist/wrist. It's not my fault my grandparents didn't give a damn about your educations and you all turned out the same way.
The grandkids also state schools but with a little help from the folks.
I'm sorry, do my cousins edit newspapers and arts/lit magazines? Do they bust their asses nearly as much as I do? Are their schools even remotely comparable to the difficulty level of mine? I'm not saying I'm better than them, because I'm not. But I know that I've worked harder. I know I care more. I know I give more of fuck than anyone in that family has ever given.
Last time we drove to SD you mentioned that your Mom was paying for your college education.
No. No. Fuck you and fuck your lying. I would NEVER in a MILLION years say that my mom was paying for college when she can barely afford to pay high school. In fact, didn't the conversation go something along the lines of:
You: So, what car do you want for your sixteenth birthday?
Me: Anything below $100,000, right?
You: Right.
Me: Okay, how about this. Don't buy me a car. Instead, use only $40,000 to pay for my last two years in high school. That's half the cost of the car I want, see? Mom's money situation has been kind of craptastic as of late and we could really use the help and it would be less expensive for you.
You: Okay. *ignore*
If I stated very clearly that my mom could barely afford my $20,000 a year high school, why the fuck would I ever say she could take care of college?
Boy what a releif!
I'm glad that state school taught you how to spell so well.
And I don't feel to bad as by the time you turned 18 you were my half a million dollar baby.
Bullshit. I'm my mother's half a million dollar baby, kthnx.
I remember telling you that I thought I was suppose to pay.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
If you were counting on me sorry dear but I have to give you a heads up right now, there's no way I would be able to afford the kinds of schools you are considering, not to mention living expenses.
If my mother, who is dead freaking broke, can afford to pay for my $20,000 a year education, then maybe you can mae some sacrafices of your own to put me through college. A few suggestions: SELL ONE OF YOUR EIGHT MANSIONS IN THAILAND. STOP SEDUCING YOUR THAI WHORE MAIDS AND PAYING THEM OFF TO KEEP THEM HAPPY AFTER YOU IMPREGNATE AND DUMP THEM. STOP BUYING YOUR SECOND WIFE CARS AND APARTMENTS, STOP FATHERING/ADOPTING AND STOP BEING SUCH A GENERAL ASSHOLE.
If you are counting on me to help when you're filling out your apps please check into student loans also.
Well I guess I don't have a choice, do I?
I have had a rough few years financially and it's been getting worse lately.
But apparently not bad enough that you've had to tell Fon to pay for her own damn cars and apartment or sell one of your 5 acre farms.
If you need to know why just turn on the news and I'm sure you will understand.
I can barely afford a movie ticket and my house is probably the side of the chicken coop you built on your farm. Or the apartment where you kept that poor kid you adopted.
Anyway, this will buy us four years plus of interest free money and then I can help you pay off the loans after you begin your career.
Fool me once, fuck you. Fool me twice? Fuck me.
Also, don't forget to evaluate the cost of your education in relation to your earning power after graduation. Many kids don't keep this in mind and it comes back to haunt them for years to come.
I'll keep that in mind, Financial Guru of General Dickwads.
Don't mean to be the bearer of bad news.
Bullshit.
Just letting you know what's up so there's no big surprises later and we can deal with reality here and now.
Bullshit.
I love you so much and I'm so happy you're doing well.
Fuck you.
Still kind of shocked however that after all these years you are still not able to sign your letters to me "love andrea".
Fuck you.
Oh well, up to you. Your mom must have really done a number on you! Oh that's right, she did.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.
Bye for now...
love, dad
- Location:Living Room of General Fuckery
- Mood: numb
- Music:World on Fire - Sarah McLachlan
What the fuck.
No, seriously? What the FUCK.
I just got ultimatum-ed by my best friend.
Eli, if you're reading this (and I know you are/will at some point), I now know exactly how you felt at the beginning of summer.
I had two options: Either hold onto the hope that he'd get over himself and ask me out (because that's worked out SO well for me over the last two years), or tell him to get over me, in which case he'd never what to speak to me again.
I was so pissed off, I told him to fuck himself and his ultimatum, in which case he ende up calling me and apologizing when he realized he couldn't just...keep me that way.
I'm so fucking pissed/confused/crazypants right now. Like, you don't even know.
Fuck this, and fuck stupid fucking high school fucking drama.
On the plus side, the Rose Ball last night was surprisingly really fun, even though the dance floor was essentially a highly concentraded cest pool of sweat. Oh, me freaking with Pantalones. Oh, Ireland freaking with Pantalones. Oh, Ireland and I both freaking with Pantalones at the same time, so Pantalones totally looked like a pimp.
Oh, fun.
Apparently the afterparty wasn't much to speak of, so I'm glad I didn't go. I was too tired anyways.
- Location:Living Room of Justice
- Mood: drained
- Music:Your Hand In Mine - Explosions in the Sky
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